Just a Voice in the Night

So... More craziness ensues.

The Stallion called me yesterday to come over and we made a plan and he came over after I tutored-- around 7:30. There is just something crazy between us. I couldn't stop thinking abut him and he said that he couldn't stop thinking about me-- even while he was having sex with his girlfriend. Apparently, she was pissed though, that he disappeared for two nights last week, so they went up to New Paltz for the weekend. (Weird, right? Because B was just there...)

The worst part of it is that he told me he's moving back to the West Coast ASAP because he's having issues with his family and his girlfriend hates it here. I sooooo don't want him to go because I really like being with him, even though I can't tell if he's playing me. Of course, the sex was amazing again... only one scary point when I actually fainted and hit the floor, but he got me ice and took care of me and was very sweet about it.

We finished with a shower. I felt very sad at the end because I didn't want him to leave, even though I knew from the start what I was getting myself into. I was so coked up, but tried to sleep anyway. (This was around 1:00 AM). I watched the replay of John Edwards' convention speech on C-Span and then a few episodes of Three's a Company on "Nick at Night."

The Stallion had said something about calling me when he got home. I assumed he meant in a few days, so when the phone rang at 4:00 AM, I was surprised, but sure it was him. It wasn't him... It was Narc! He said that he wanted to hear a "human voice in the night."

We talked about life and a bunch of other random things and he gave me a lecture about sleeping with a guy who has a girlfriend, which I thought was unfair. Anyway, eventually he asked me to come over, so I did just a few more lines and left, getting to his place at around 5:00 AM.

I don't know what it is with this guy, but he seems to intentionally play with my head. I told him I'm weird about the closeness thing, but he kept wanting the sex to be so tender and he just wanted to hold me tight and cuddle me and at one point, he called me "My Hyde" which really freaked me out. He didn't even really want to fuck all that much... I think because he was so tired. But I still feel like such a whore, being with two guys in the same night, and in a way, I think that's exactly what I'm trying to make myself feel like.

I must be a whore because neither of these guys intends to care about me or my life or my feelings at all and I know it's because somehow I'm not good enough to deserve it.

The Stallion made me feel good, though, when he said "I can't believe B gave this up... what's WRONG with him???" I don't think B could ever fully appreciate me in that way, though. I don't know... I feel like this diary is getting more and more crass and outrageous all the time.

Right now I'm sitting in Narc's living room. It's about 11:30 AM and he's still asleep. I'm debating whether or not I should just pack my things and go. I just hate departures. I do have a lot to do today, though...

I still throbbing on the inside from what he did and wonder if it's going to fuck things up even more with this UTI. The city air sounds like an ocean outside today and the passing car horns are like the call of seagulls. There's a whisper in it and it's calming me a little. There's a big American flag outside the window too, and it's draped limply and gently around the pole and I wish I could feel like that. I wish I were at the beach right now-- my secret spot in the Hamptons-- on a late twilight in August or September with my toes curling into the cold packed sand just at the edge of the water. Then I would remember where I came from and maybe who I am.

I just can't believe the Stallion is going back to California when we've only had these few weeks. I hate that, but maybe it's for the better... Maybe it's better for me...

I can't seem to get the thought out of my head that as much as an asshole that AIR7 was to me, maybe he loved me after all. I know it's a weird thing to be thinking about, but when I was reading back those old journals, it seemed kind of genuine, only painfully limited. Part of me wants to call him and apologize. But then, I just think that would be the ultimate form of degrading myself. And so, maybe that's why I want to do it.

I've been wanting to get in touch with OldChoirMan too and have to remind myself that he killed a big piece of me and knew that he was playing with fire. I think I am just grasping backwards because everything is so ungrounded and confusing right now. Like it was so good to talk to Liu the other day, but also sad. She claims she hasn't changed, but she has... She has to have if she has chosen the life that she has chosen. I could never live that life, and we used to be so much the same. Maybe now we just aren't...

(The flag is waving now.)

I guess Narc's not going to get up anytime soon, so maybe I should just get out of here...

It's 11:45 AM and I don't want to be here if his friend comes home. So... more later.

(Hey... at least one thing-- I still haven't cut myself since December, so I can't let myself feel like a total failure! Just a drug-addled whore, as B and I would say...)

Some Kind of Whore

Getting a pedicure on Lex near the endocrinologist. I feel so much better now that I've told someone "official" about my coke problem-- a Doctor, I mean. He really surprised me with his response. I'm sure that Dr. G. would too if I gave her the chance. I just get so angry at myself and feel guilty and I'm sure everyone else would hate me. I don't know...

The Stallion called me this morning and this afternoon. We're supposed to meet up later, although what Buke said the other day is making me nervous. Plus, I have a UTI-- blood in the urine and all. I'm going to see Dr. M tomorrow, but I'm not sure if I can have sex with this bad of a UTI. I'm not sure if he even wants to have sex after the way we left it off. I just don't know what he wants.

I so don't want to go tutor Bill today, but I think it will be good for me-- sort of keep me in reality. I don't know... Being with Narc on Sunday was so strange for me. We hung out for a few hours watching TV as if we were friends. Then, that weird meditation thing... I think he was afraid to make a move because of what I said on the phone about how I hoped he wasn't just calling me over for sex. But I knew from the minute I got there that I as going to end up sleeping with him. I feel like I am making that old mistake of "letting life happen to me." I hate the way he operates because he was being so tender and kissing and cuddling and stuff, but all of those messages are lies. He doesn't give a hist about me. I said that to him too-- that he doesn't even care about me. His reply?

"Well... it's more complicated than that."

Somehow, I don't' think so.

I just wish that VJ weren't in Florida right now. I have so much to process.

Anyway, that thing with Druggie was weird on Saturday night too. I got so messed up that night that I'm embarrassed. The hours from 4:30 AM-6:30 AM or so flash in and out of memory. What was I thinking ringing their bell? What kind of judgement was that??? I don't remember what led to him trying to kiss me, but I remember telling him "not to go there." It was hanging in the air all night and all day the next day. It's like at some point the air between us was so thick you could cut it was a knife (the orange ice pops!). He kept wanting to say it to me at the end, but I didn't let him. He knew that I heard the message loud and clear anyway.

When he left the next day at around 3:00 (only 5 hours before I got the call from Narc) we agreed never to speak of it again. Anyway, I feel really sleepy now and my head hurts. I think I should probably eat something after this...

****************

Later...

You know what else I have to say about Narc? Fuck him for not asking me out on a date and for making this whole ambiguous thing where we're fucking but not dating and not friends, but not strangers. I mean... really! It takes a certain amount of gall... Did I make him think he could do that because of the way that I behaved? And furthermore, he didn't walk me to the door on either day I slept with him... Seriously... he's treating me like some kind of whore. I think this should be the end of him...

(Maybe I am)...

Reality Bites

Dying of exhaustion during the German break...

I have to remember to write about the strangeness with Druggie later and then sleeping with Narc on Sunday night and having lunch with B on Monday and calling the Stallion back today and besides that, the two phone calls to the drug dealer (for a fucking $320!)... How much wrong can one girl do in a week? Should I just "fuck it" and be okay with all of this? Or am I forgetting myself? Why isn't the green calcite working? Plus, now I think I have a UTI

The Insatiable Stallion

Anyway, I really screwed up yesterday. I let it get to me. (Like chasing a love gone bad!) How do you describe or even resist something like that?

Anyway, I guess I'll recount the Stallion story now.

He called me on Tuesday afternoon-- right when I was leaving to go do that writing workshop. He asked if I wanted to meet up later, so I told him to give me a call after German class. HE called and asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink. I told him that I was having dinner with VJ and that I would call him when we were done. I convinced VJ to come with me because I didn't want it to be an automatic hookup.

We went down and met him at Dojo. We went across the street to Bull McCabe's for drinks. It was weird to see him at first-- I felt like it assumed a friendship had been there or that we knew each other better, or something, than we ever had. Anyway, I knew right away that we were going to hook up. I just feel like I can't resist him.

We had a few drinks. I could tell that VJ was tired, so I told her she could go. She kept asking if I were sure and I told her "yes."

After she left, things got more flirty. At one point, he was behind my bar chair and started massaging my neck and shoulders and he put his arms around me from behind and it felt so good. I don't remember at exactly what point, but we started kissing. I loved kissing him. He kept telling me how beautiful I am and his lips were full and soft. I didn't want to be making out at the bar, though, and told him that, so he suggested we go back to my place. (Typical...)

Anyway, we stopped at a deli to get some mixers and came back here. A lot of what happened is a blur-- not because I was drunk, but because so much happened so fast. We just had the most amazing sex over and over and over. It was better than I ever imagined sex could be. This guy was magic-- he knew how to do absolutely everything and our energies and "proclivities" were perfectly matched. At one point, we moved from the living room to the bedroom. At another point, int he hall up against the wall. We must have had sex at least 12 times total over the 13 hours or so that he was here. He was entirely insatiable and now, even four days later, I still have bruises on my forehead and neck.

We used up all of my stuff by Wednesday morning, so I called for more-- feeling safe for the delivery because the Stallion was here. I wish I had the energy or audacity to record what happened in more detail, but I just don't.

He stayed until 8:00 PM the next day, when I left for my study group. He walked me up to EF's apartment (hand in hand) and we kissed a long goodbye.

After study group, the bunch of us went to a pub, but I was exhausted and couldn't stay long. The Stallion called me and asked if he could come over again, and I said yes, but this time we both fell asleep right away.

I woke up at around 4:00 AM to him fucking me and he flipped me over and I was so sleepy that I could barely stay on my knees, but it was still amazing.

I'm never going to forget this week. I fell like if something like this never happens to me again, it's okay, because it probably doesn't happen to most people even once.

Anyway... I have to go dry my hair.

Afternoon Blow

It was weird reading through old journals this morning. I feel too high to write right now. Yesterday I couldn't get this whole thing with the Stallion off my mind. Today, I feel silly for feeling like that. Because, no matter how good it was, it was just sex and it doesn't mean anything else. All of that talk about "fate" and "being evolved" really has nothing to do with what happened. It's too much to recount right now-- I don't' have the energy for it (ironic that I'm on all this coke, right?). But, I do want to record it here eventually. It was just the most amazing sex I can ever imagine-- about 12 times in 13 hours or so.

I feel so split though-- so compartmentalized. I think that's why it's hard for me to tell Dr. G. everything. God, that was fast-- I already feel myself coming down.

BigSis is supposed to call me in 15 minutes, after her facial to see if I want to go shoe shopping. I don't want to go outside today because it's raining, but I feel like I should go to stay sane.

I haven't eaten anything since Tuesday except an apple, one chicken finger and one mozzarella stick (it's Friday now). I really want to lose more weight by the next time I go to the endocrinologist. I think I have to move my appointment because Tuesday I am going to do the writing workshop at the Youth Counseling League again.

It was weird last night. BigSis, English and I went to live '80's karaoke-- invited by her friend from work, L, and there were a lot of cute guys there, but I didn't care about any of them because I kept thinking of the Stallion.

The phone just rang. It was LilSis telling me to call or write to Nana because Nana just called her. I will definitely do it tomorrow. AND I have to edit IronChef's thing tomorrow and go to the library and really organize my studying.

God, I haven't taken an exam since the GRE and before that, the LSAT and before that, college... It's like I don't know how to study anymore. I am getting nervous about the comps because I'm not doing anything to prepare (besides study group) and I feel the date creeping up on me.

I am starting to feel a little feverish and sleepy and wired all at the same time. I feel like I can't focus on anything. The TV is even stressing me out, so I just shut it off. I really don't want to go out. Maybe I should just tell BigSis that I'll see her tomorrow... I feel so lazy. Well, not lazy, but just like I need a day to be with myself. I mean, since the Stallion left on Thursday morning I had two hours alone before I had to go pick up VJ's little sister in Newark and then I had about 45 minutes before meeting BigSis and English to go out last night. I guess I had this morning too, but I was so sleepy and in such a fog that it didn't really feel like real time.

I have to figure out a plan tomorrow night-- splitting time between NiS's birthday party and AGrub's party. The Stallion left Being and Time here when he came back. I wonder if that means he's never going to call me again.

Ok.

So, BigSis just called and I told her that I don't want to go out. Now I feel relieved.

Anyway, as I was saying-- it was a little weird when he left. I mean, if he doesn't want to see me again, it's fine and I understand because he has a girlfriend. But, I wish he would just say that, so I wouldn't be hanging. Plus, he owes me $50. I just want to be treated with respect, I guess.

Anyway, my brain feels like it's getting slow, so I don't want to write anymore right now. I just want to sit in silence

No Arrivals

I've emerged from my sickroom. My throat is still killing from these swollen tonsils but at least I feel like I'll be able to eat today. Here at Morning Star... I spoke to B for a while this morning. We are on such different tracks right now that i"m sure that he doesn't get it. It's weird listening to the Hope Floats CD right now because I used to hear all these songs as being about him. I guess nothing is ever permanent. We will never have "arrived."

Torrential Downpours

So, things continued to be strange...

Sunday I went out with Nipkins for her going away thing. (She is going to San Diego for the summer). We went to dba which is actually a really cute place to hang out on a Sunday afternoon. They have a garden in the back where you can drink beer, play scrabble and read the Times.

I got a little wasted. Why? I don't know.

After that (about 7 Jack and diets later), we went for Pizza where I had a few beers. Then we went to a bar called "Rudy's" on the West Side.

I freaked out when we got there because guess who was at the door? The Bouncer! That guy from the threesome three years ago. I asked him if he remembered me and he said that the Stallion was inside. What?!??!

The Stallion is totally hot, but he was there with a girlfriend. I felt so weird about it that I told Nipkins and her friend Dave (who I'm sure thinks I'm totally crazy AND a slut). But anyway, the Stallion gave me his number which I put in my phone, but I lost my phone later that night.

I kissed some other guy at the bar (who's in his 40's) and also thought I was nuts. You know what? Maybe I am.

And seeing the Bouncer and the Stallion was even more strange after what happened on Friday night.

I went out with VJ to Karma (where we met up with English and "the Kid" and his friend). VJ was wasted the whole night. It started out just the two of us and I was smoking the "hubbly bubbly." By the end of the night, she was kissing "the Kid's" engaged friend and i had to drag her out of there.

When she got home I told her to call me. She was talking to some guy who told me his name was "Alan J. Morgan." Apparently, he found her fumbling with the key, falling down on the stoop of the wrong building. The name sounded so familiar to me and it turns out that it's the same guy I made out with a year and a half ago at Jewel's party. I still have his business card. So to run into him on Friday and then the Stallion and the Bouncer on Sunday is just really too weird!!!

Sine then, I've been doing coke all week From the stuff that JFig gave me. Narc (that guy from last Wednesday) called me on Friday, but we've been playing phone tag ever since. For a while I thought he was blowing me off and got a little down about it.

Last night I felt really sick. My study group came over here and by the end of the evening, I felt so feverish and my throat was hurting. I think it's from the coke I did that afternoon, but I can't be sure.

I got sicker and sicker, sweating and with the chills. I felt so weak and like everything in the world is so upside down and inside out and crazy. (Did I mention that I had spoke to Anxious for two hours that morning and she told me that she's cheating on Buke?)

Anyway, I couldn't help myself, so I called B. We talked for about an hour and a half and made each other laugh. I love him so much! Yet even still, there was the same tension and pain underneath everything between us. I have to keep reminding myself how much he hurts me. Why is it so easy for me to block all of that out and feel only love? I work up this morning feeling even sicker still. When I went to the doctor she told me that I probably have a viral tonsillitis and that my right tonsil is incredibly inflamed.

I feel like shit.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. There are thunderstorms tonight-- Torrential downpours coming down on all those suckers in Central Park who are there for the New York Phil concert.

Oh well...

Hyde meets Narc

Ok. So the past two days (or was it only one day?) have been so strange. I doubt I'll have time to record the whole story now, but at least I can start.

It began in Cheers, when I last wrote. After I put down my pen, I went to sit at the bar. A blond woman in her early 40's came in and sat next to me and we started talking. Some man named Peter Alan bought us drinks. She seemed a little drunk already. I know that I was!

Anyway, she wanted to go dancing, and I'm not sure why (it was a Wednesday night and I wasn't dressed for it) but I agreed. So, I left all my stuff with the doorman (except cash and cards) and we walked up to 52nd street. After that, we got in cab and went downtown. Webster Hall was closed, so we headed into the West Village. She told me that she had once dated Dmitri from All My Children back when he had his drug problems and had to leave the show a few years ago. I remember when that happened.

Anyway, we went to a club where she knew the owner. Somehow we had started talking about cocaine (passing Tompkins Square Park) and she had some on her, so we did some in the bathroom of the club.

After that we went out and were dancing for a while. I danced with a few guys, but it wasn't packed (being a Wednesday night) and so, we got a little bored and left.

We walked over to another bar she used to go to-- she lived down there when she first moved to the city. We passed "Off the Wagon" (or whatever it's called) on MacDougal Street and I told her about the Long Island Iced Teas and the night I "lost my virginity."

Anyway, the bartender was cute and friendly in the next place we went to, although I have no idea where exactly we were or what it was called. The bartender said we couldn't go into the bathroom together, so she went first and left me a few lines on the back of the toilet (on the tank).

We were sitting next to two guys who noticed and started talking to me about it-- one and actor and one director, but both kids-- a few years older than me. We hung out there for a long time. I don't' remember the details.

A crowd of other guys came in-- all hipsters and probably drunk, although I couldn't' tell. JFig called a friend to buy more blow. The actor and directory guys got excited about it. After a while, she left and they went outside to look for her (I think). One of the hipster guys was telling me he had a recording studio. He told me that was beautiful, and so I kissed him.

But first, the director guy came back in and told me that JFig was waiting and we had to go. I think he was there when I was kissing the hipster.

When we got outside, JFig wasn't there. They didn't know where she went. That's why they pulled me out of the bar-- they wanted me to call her. I told them that I had just met her that night and that I didn't have her number.

She finally came back and said that her friend was coming to get her in a car and sell her some. At first, she wanted me to go with her, but I refused to get into a drug dealer's car. She wanted Rolling Rock, so I went with the boys (Narc and James were their names) to the deli to get some and to use the ATM.

JFig came back and met us there. The grocer was Korean and she was saying something to him about "the Chinese." James seemed embarrassed. (We later found out that his wife is Korean).

Anyway, we got a cab back to their place in Tribeca. It's Narc's apartment, but James is staying there because he's on the "outs" with his wife.

JFig had gotten an 8-ball. We drank wine and chain smoked and did lines for hours. Somehow Narc and I kept having these side conversations about Schoenberg, spirituality, etc. JFig kept saying we should "get married." I felt embarrassed because I wasn't sure that he was interested in me.

Anyway, at some point-- at around 8:00 AM Thursday morning, the coke ran out and it seemed almost time to leave, but Narc wanted to "show me his room." We ended up having sex three times (the third time he ran out of condoms, so he had to finish himself). He told me that he was really into me the minute I started talking about Schoenberg. (I wonder if that's true). He just waned to kiss for hours and told me that I'm an amazing kisser. I felt weird afterwards (for obvious reasons) and he could tell and tried to make it better by cuddling me, which made me feel even stranger. I didn't feel okay until I was dressed again and hanging out in the living room. I was kind of annoyed because he stayed in his bedroom and went to sleep, which I can totally understand because we were all crashing-- coming down from the coke. But, I still don't think it was the "right thing" to do.

Anyway, I hung out with James and JFig for a while. They were both crashing and flirting like crazy, but apparently it remained unconsummated as they're both married.

I started doing the dishes. I didn't know what to do with myself. JFig wanted me to come back and hang out with her, but I totally didn't' want to. We left together-- totally strung out at 11:30 AM, into the bustling downtown Manhattan sun.

She was embarrassed that someone her husband works with might see her. We were right by City Hall and I later found out that her husband is big in city politics. So... she hung back while I hailed us a cab. She said that she couldn't walk into her building wearing "hooker shoes" (which were platform braided sandals with ankle ties) so we had to sop at a shoe store and get shoes while I waited in the cab.

The cab driver thought we were nuts. I looked like absolute hell. When she came back in the cab she told him that I had "just fucked someone." I was mortified, but too tired to care. I convinced her to "let me" go home by promising that I would call her and come over after showering and changing-- which I did, although God knows where I got the energy from. She lives on 38th Street--that fancy building with the huge curved windows.

I went up and she was shocked to see my "transformation." She was fiddling with her computers-- she had three or four and was erasing programs from the "settings," etc. She ordered us Middle Eastern food, but neither of us could eat much.

Then she took out some more coke. She smashed it with a credit card, which to me looked messy and not very economical, but I guess she didn't care because she has it easily accessible. She had been drinking bud light all morning and smoking weed. We used up almost all her coke-- I stayed until about 6:00 PM and she had some more delivered so I could take some home. The whole 24 hours was totally surreal. I really felt like I was existing in some sort of twilight zone.

I wonder if this guy is going to call me though... What's the time period before which I should mentally write him off?

JFig called me at 7:30 this morning, but "forgot" why she was going to call. She still sounded high to me.

Sometimes I don't know where I am... I feel like I'm living too much in my head and that's when strange things start to happen.. strange.

Anyway, I'm just coming from a voice lesson that went really well and I'm on my way to meet VJ and get my eyebrows done.

More later...

That Fateful Day...

It's humid today. I'm on a bench on Riverside, one eye on the skinny-necked pigeons that I dread. Singing to myself (a dreadfully slow "Over the Rainbow" recorded a few weeks ago) seeming to be in sync with the dragging of everything lately. My shirt matches the trees and this peeling bench and the chunk of green calcite around my neck.

A breeze at last.

VJ and I had lunch earlier. Now she's at Scott Jay getting her hair cut and waiting for me to finish my voice lesson (which doesn't start for another 20 minutes).

*******************

Ok.

Much later and in Cheers. IrishBird just gave me a big greeting... kisses and lots of attention. I wonder if it's weird to be here drinking alone on a Wednesday. The last day I did this was a few weeks ago when Tampa Bay won the Stanley Cup. I'm just back from dinner at NiS and Sarah's. Being up by the Medical School was strange... it was all still there... even Coogan's. Except there was a big "Washington Mutual" where the corner bodega used to be. I couldn't even remember the name of Fort Washington. Haven? Haven Hall? Was that the name of the dorm there?

Why do I miss that time so much? Why did AIR7 have to turn out to be such an asshole? Why can't I call B on a night like tonight? He's supposed to love me-- to protect me from all of my feelings. He's supposed to be my friend. Where is Paul Newman?

I'm sitting here drinking alone and tyring to look alluring. Hell...I'll settle for a "Paul Kramer."

Sometimes I think about when AIR7 said that he HATED OldChoirMan. I knew that he loved me then. He loved me because he wanted to protect me.

I had a dream about OldChoirMan the other day-- about kissing him and about how soft his flesh felt. Eww... I remember that about him-- his flesh-- his cheeks and lips were soft with age and cold. And his fingers were pudgy and wandered along my back. And AIR7 hated him like a lion, but later was so cruel to me.

But, it all felt fresh being up there on 168th. I hope I didn't freak out NiS and Sarah tonight.

Is it wrong to admit how good alcohol makes me feel and that I can't stop myself once I start drinking? Is that in bad form to say? Did I talk too much about Brando?

I feel so desperately alone fight now-- like in that nightclub in the middle of the farm fields in France. God, I was so young then! I remember meeting that guy and being afraid and slightly horrified-- not even sure of how to talk to him! How old was I then? 16: How much changed just three years later!

God, I miss B! I want him to come into this bar and hug me and kiss my cheeks and cuddle me and put me to bed. I at least want someone to talk to.

I better not drink too much tonight, though.

I sense my handwriting beginning to blur. I wonder how much longer it will hold up.

It's 12:10 AM. IrishBird just looked at me.

I wonder what she's thinking...

Stella!!!!!

Procrastinating while I finish lunch at the Morning Star. I'm supposed to be working on Nineteenth Century stuff before study group tonight, which I will eventually get to...

This past weekend was good for me. I spoke to B on Thursday but held my gorund. Friday I went to the beach with BigSis, Jail and Jol. Saturday I ran around doing errands for with my mom. We went to the Gap and I'm down 4 jeans sizes! Sunday we went to a July 4th BBQ at her partner's place.

The whole weekend was shaded by Brando's death on Friday. It makes me feel afraid that Nanny's generation is dying. It is the first time I am feeling the passing of a generation like that and it makes me scared.

Yesterday I went to see Spiderman 2 with BigSis and Bro-in-Law instead of doing my work, and then to a dinner party at IronChef's. It was weird because it was a whole group of women in their 30's and then me. Melanie said that by the time you are dating in your thirties, everyone is walking around with baggage (of the relationship kind) because everyone has been hurt at least once in a big way. They are all so much more "rational" about love than I am... making checklists of compatibility and stuff like that. I wonder if I'll every be that way.

In any case, I've now been hurt in a big way and although I feel stronger and wiser than every before, I feel like the ghost of my life with B has taken away a piece of me with it.

I remember for a few years after graduating, I mourned that whole "choir-life" and I never felt like myself. It hovered near me always-- a true ghost! My life with B feels something like that, so I have to have faith that this will pass. Both Dr. G and IronChef said yesterday that I was being "emotionally abused." I wonder if they are right. I wonder what made me stay... I just can't stand the passing (especially now, listening to Elvis and John Gary!)

Anyway, if I don't start my work now, I never will, so I should go...

Just one more word--

I'm sending my love and thanks to the spirit and gifts of the beautiful, late Marlon Brando-- an angel on this earth.

PS: I spoke to B again last night (he called me) and he said there's no one like me and I'm special and irreplaceable. And that was after he spent the entire weekend with J...

PPS: Kerry announced Edwards as his VP today (Good. Because I like to crush on Edwards! ) The New York Post published too early and annoucned Gephardt. I bought the paper. Maybe it'll be worth something someday...

I Wanna Be Sedated

Ok... So, I finally left the house.

Last night I drank two bottles of wine and took some codeine. I don't' know what's wrong with me. I haven't done anything like that in so long. I can't let myself regress. I have to keep my head above water right now. I am only responsible and accountable to myself, and that has to be enough.

Now it's 2:00 PM and I haven't eaten yet today and feel like vomiting, but at least I left the house.

Going to the beach with BigSis tomorrow will be good for me... And tutoring today.

He wrote back to me today "I love you too." But what does that mean???

"I love you too, but too bad?"

Why is he bothering to tell me, then?

Ugh... My lunch is here, but I don't want to eat it. It was good talking to Joseph last night. Although I think that we're both crazy. But, he's good to talk to because he has perspective that my other friends don't-- he doesn't see things as clear cut. Whatever... I have no choice in all of this. NO choice, but to let B go and to keep doing what I have to do one day at a time.

And that's life.