Just a Voice in the Night

So... More craziness ensues.

The Stallion called me yesterday to come over and we made a plan and he came over after I tutored-- around 7:30. There is just something crazy between us. I couldn't stop thinking abut him and he said that he couldn't stop thinking about me-- even while he was having sex with his girlfriend. Apparently, she was pissed though, that he disappeared for two nights last week, so they went up to New Paltz for the weekend. (Weird, right? Because B was just there...)

The worst part of it is that he told me he's moving back to the West Coast ASAP because he's having issues with his family and his girlfriend hates it here. I sooooo don't want him to go because I really like being with him, even though I can't tell if he's playing me. Of course, the sex was amazing again... only one scary point when I actually fainted and hit the floor, but he got me ice and took care of me and was very sweet about it.

We finished with a shower. I felt very sad at the end because I didn't want him to leave, even though I knew from the start what I was getting myself into. I was so coked up, but tried to sleep anyway. (This was around 1:00 AM). I watched the replay of John Edwards' convention speech on C-Span and then a few episodes of Three's a Company on "Nick at Night."

The Stallion had said something about calling me when he got home. I assumed he meant in a few days, so when the phone rang at 4:00 AM, I was surprised, but sure it was him. It wasn't him... It was Narc! He said that he wanted to hear a "human voice in the night."

We talked about life and a bunch of other random things and he gave me a lecture about sleeping with a guy who has a girlfriend, which I thought was unfair. Anyway, eventually he asked me to come over, so I did just a few more lines and left, getting to his place at around 5:00 AM.

I don't know what it is with this guy, but he seems to intentionally play with my head. I told him I'm weird about the closeness thing, but he kept wanting the sex to be so tender and he just wanted to hold me tight and cuddle me and at one point, he called me "My Hyde" which really freaked me out. He didn't even really want to fuck all that much... I think because he was so tired. But I still feel like such a whore, being with two guys in the same night, and in a way, I think that's exactly what I'm trying to make myself feel like.

I must be a whore because neither of these guys intends to care about me or my life or my feelings at all and I know it's because somehow I'm not good enough to deserve it.

The Stallion made me feel good, though, when he said "I can't believe B gave this up... what's WRONG with him???" I don't think B could ever fully appreciate me in that way, though. I don't know... I feel like this diary is getting more and more crass and outrageous all the time.

Right now I'm sitting in Narc's living room. It's about 11:30 AM and he's still asleep. I'm debating whether or not I should just pack my things and go. I just hate departures. I do have a lot to do today, though...

I still throbbing on the inside from what he did and wonder if it's going to fuck things up even more with this UTI. The city air sounds like an ocean outside today and the passing car horns are like the call of seagulls. There's a whisper in it and it's calming me a little. There's a big American flag outside the window too, and it's draped limply and gently around the pole and I wish I could feel like that. I wish I were at the beach right now-- my secret spot in the Hamptons-- on a late twilight in August or September with my toes curling into the cold packed sand just at the edge of the water. Then I would remember where I came from and maybe who I am.

I just can't believe the Stallion is going back to California when we've only had these few weeks. I hate that, but maybe it's for the better... Maybe it's better for me...

I can't seem to get the thought out of my head that as much as an asshole that AIR7 was to me, maybe he loved me after all. I know it's a weird thing to be thinking about, but when I was reading back those old journals, it seemed kind of genuine, only painfully limited. Part of me wants to call him and apologize. But then, I just think that would be the ultimate form of degrading myself. And so, maybe that's why I want to do it.

I've been wanting to get in touch with OldChoirMan too and have to remind myself that he killed a big piece of me and knew that he was playing with fire. I think I am just grasping backwards because everything is so ungrounded and confusing right now. Like it was so good to talk to Liu the other day, but also sad. She claims she hasn't changed, but she has... She has to have if she has chosen the life that she has chosen. I could never live that life, and we used to be so much the same. Maybe now we just aren't...

(The flag is waving now.)

I guess Narc's not going to get up anytime soon, so maybe I should just get out of here...

It's 11:45 AM and I don't want to be here if his friend comes home. So... more later.

(Hey... at least one thing-- I still haven't cut myself since December, so I can't let myself feel like a total failure! Just a drug-addled whore, as B and I would say...)