Some Kind of Whore

Getting a pedicure on Lex near the endocrinologist. I feel so much better now that I've told someone "official" about my coke problem-- a Doctor, I mean. He really surprised me with his response. I'm sure that Dr. G. would too if I gave her the chance. I just get so angry at myself and feel guilty and I'm sure everyone else would hate me. I don't know...

The Stallion called me this morning and this afternoon. We're supposed to meet up later, although what Buke said the other day is making me nervous. Plus, I have a UTI-- blood in the urine and all. I'm going to see Dr. M tomorrow, but I'm not sure if I can have sex with this bad of a UTI. I'm not sure if he even wants to have sex after the way we left it off. I just don't know what he wants.

I so don't want to go tutor Bill today, but I think it will be good for me-- sort of keep me in reality. I don't know... Being with Narc on Sunday was so strange for me. We hung out for a few hours watching TV as if we were friends. Then, that weird meditation thing... I think he was afraid to make a move because of what I said on the phone about how I hoped he wasn't just calling me over for sex. But I knew from the minute I got there that I as going to end up sleeping with him. I feel like I am making that old mistake of "letting life happen to me." I hate the way he operates because he was being so tender and kissing and cuddling and stuff, but all of those messages are lies. He doesn't give a hist about me. I said that to him too-- that he doesn't even care about me. His reply?

"Well... it's more complicated than that."

Somehow, I don't' think so.

I just wish that VJ weren't in Florida right now. I have so much to process.

Anyway, that thing with Druggie was weird on Saturday night too. I got so messed up that night that I'm embarrassed. The hours from 4:30 AM-6:30 AM or so flash in and out of memory. What was I thinking ringing their bell? What kind of judgement was that??? I don't remember what led to him trying to kiss me, but I remember telling him "not to go there." It was hanging in the air all night and all day the next day. It's like at some point the air between us was so thick you could cut it was a knife (the orange ice pops!). He kept wanting to say it to me at the end, but I didn't let him. He knew that I heard the message loud and clear anyway.

When he left the next day at around 3:00 (only 5 hours before I got the call from Narc) we agreed never to speak of it again. Anyway, I feel really sleepy now and my head hurts. I think I should probably eat something after this...

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Later...

You know what else I have to say about Narc? Fuck him for not asking me out on a date and for making this whole ambiguous thing where we're fucking but not dating and not friends, but not strangers. I mean... really! It takes a certain amount of gall... Did I make him think he could do that because of the way that I behaved? And furthermore, he didn't walk me to the door on either day I slept with him... Seriously... he's treating me like some kind of whore. I think this should be the end of him...

(Maybe I am)...