Afternoon Blow

It was weird reading through old journals this morning. I feel too high to write right now. Yesterday I couldn't get this whole thing with the Stallion off my mind. Today, I feel silly for feeling like that. Because, no matter how good it was, it was just sex and it doesn't mean anything else. All of that talk about "fate" and "being evolved" really has nothing to do with what happened. It's too much to recount right now-- I don't' have the energy for it (ironic that I'm on all this coke, right?). But, I do want to record it here eventually. It was just the most amazing sex I can ever imagine-- about 12 times in 13 hours or so.

I feel so split though-- so compartmentalized. I think that's why it's hard for me to tell Dr. G. everything. God, that was fast-- I already feel myself coming down.

BigSis is supposed to call me in 15 minutes, after her facial to see if I want to go shoe shopping. I don't want to go outside today because it's raining, but I feel like I should go to stay sane.

I haven't eaten anything since Tuesday except an apple, one chicken finger and one mozzarella stick (it's Friday now). I really want to lose more weight by the next time I go to the endocrinologist. I think I have to move my appointment because Tuesday I am going to do the writing workshop at the Youth Counseling League again.

It was weird last night. BigSis, English and I went to live '80's karaoke-- invited by her friend from work, L, and there were a lot of cute guys there, but I didn't care about any of them because I kept thinking of the Stallion.

The phone just rang. It was LilSis telling me to call or write to Nana because Nana just called her. I will definitely do it tomorrow. AND I have to edit IronChef's thing tomorrow and go to the library and really organize my studying.

God, I haven't taken an exam since the GRE and before that, the LSAT and before that, college... It's like I don't know how to study anymore. I am getting nervous about the comps because I'm not doing anything to prepare (besides study group) and I feel the date creeping up on me.

I am starting to feel a little feverish and sleepy and wired all at the same time. I feel like I can't focus on anything. The TV is even stressing me out, so I just shut it off. I really don't want to go out. Maybe I should just tell BigSis that I'll see her tomorrow... I feel so lazy. Well, not lazy, but just like I need a day to be with myself. I mean, since the Stallion left on Thursday morning I had two hours alone before I had to go pick up VJ's little sister in Newark and then I had about 45 minutes before meeting BigSis and English to go out last night. I guess I had this morning too, but I was so sleepy and in such a fog that it didn't really feel like real time.

I have to figure out a plan tomorrow night-- splitting time between NiS's birthday party and AGrub's party. The Stallion left Being and Time here when he came back. I wonder if that means he's never going to call me again.

Ok.

So, BigSis just called and I told her that I don't want to go out. Now I feel relieved.

Anyway, as I was saying-- it was a little weird when he left. I mean, if he doesn't want to see me again, it's fine and I understand because he has a girlfriend. But, I wish he would just say that, so I wouldn't be hanging. Plus, he owes me $50. I just want to be treated with respect, I guess.

Anyway, my brain feels like it's getting slow, so I don't want to write anymore right now. I just want to sit in silence