Stella!!!!!

Procrastinating while I finish lunch at the Morning Star. I'm supposed to be working on Nineteenth Century stuff before study group tonight, which I will eventually get to...

This past weekend was good for me. I spoke to B on Thursday but held my gorund. Friday I went to the beach with BigSis, Jail and Jol. Saturday I ran around doing errands for with my mom. We went to the Gap and I'm down 4 jeans sizes! Sunday we went to a July 4th BBQ at her partner's place.

The whole weekend was shaded by Brando's death on Friday. It makes me feel afraid that Nanny's generation is dying. It is the first time I am feeling the passing of a generation like that and it makes me scared.

Yesterday I went to see Spiderman 2 with BigSis and Bro-in-Law instead of doing my work, and then to a dinner party at IronChef's. It was weird because it was a whole group of women in their 30's and then me. Melanie said that by the time you are dating in your thirties, everyone is walking around with baggage (of the relationship kind) because everyone has been hurt at least once in a big way. They are all so much more "rational" about love than I am... making checklists of compatibility and stuff like that. I wonder if I'll every be that way.

In any case, I've now been hurt in a big way and although I feel stronger and wiser than every before, I feel like the ghost of my life with B has taken away a piece of me with it.

I remember for a few years after graduating, I mourned that whole "choir-life" and I never felt like myself. It hovered near me always-- a true ghost! My life with B feels something like that, so I have to have faith that this will pass. Both Dr. G and IronChef said yesterday that I was being "emotionally abused." I wonder if they are right. I wonder what made me stay... I just can't stand the passing (especially now, listening to Elvis and John Gary!)

Anyway, if I don't start my work now, I never will, so I should go...

Just one more word--

I'm sending my love and thanks to the spirit and gifts of the beautiful, late Marlon Brando-- an angel on this earth.

PS: I spoke to B again last night (he called me) and he said there's no one like me and I'm special and irreplaceable. And that was after he spent the entire weekend with J...

PPS: Kerry announced Edwards as his VP today (Good. Because I like to crush on Edwards! ) The New York Post published too early and annoucned Gephardt. I bought the paper. Maybe it'll be worth something someday...