Pregnant

I'm pregnant.

I've known for two days now. And Each day that passes, the less I want to have this abortion. I don't know if I can go through with it. Who would this child be? He or she needs my nurturing and protection right now and I'm the one who's going to suck its life away. But I could I manage it? What would happen to everything I want for myself? Is that just selfish? I'm 26 years old. Haven't I had enough years to myself? The big question for me right now is whether I should tell BigSis. I feel like she could talk me through this, but I also feel like it would infinitely complicate things. Am I being absurd for even entertaining the notion of having it?

Narc was cold and a little distant on the phone today. But at least he called and maybe it's because he's home with his mom. I was surprised at Sunshine's reaction. If I thought she would react that way I wouldn't have told her. She made me feel worse-- like this baby might be a miracle. Something that will never happen again. I just wish Narc would make me feel loved. It would make me feel better about whatever decision I ultimately make...

I have to just make myself stop thinking. Just accept it and do it and have it be over. And don't think about potential. The whole universe is unlived potential. Why is this such a crime? (Because it's depending on YOU.) Even Narc can't understand that-- it's not depending on him. His body is not sustaining its life. It's depending on you. And you want to kill your own child. You're not a drug addict or homeless. You're not 15. You could find a way to do this if it's what mattered to you most. And Narc wouldn't have to have anything to do with it...

What would he say though? I just really want him to come back already... really want to see him. I feel like it would make everything so much clearer. I feel like I'll have a felt sense of what to do as soon as I see him. IrishBird surprised me the other night. She just said "it's a big decision for you. Only you can decide." I thought she would be so dead set against it and tell me so too...