Where Has He Gone?

In the Starbucks at 71st street. I feel a blood sugar sleep sinking over me as I try to stick to reading Notes from Underground. It must be from the Bi Bim Bop and the fact that I practically didn't eat yesterday.

I still can't believe what went down with B... That this is the way it might all end... That I may never speak to him again. I certainly am not going to call him, but it will hurt like hell if he never tries to contact me.

How could I have not known him at all? How can he really be this selfish at the core?

I feel like what happened between us is the exact same thing that happened between me and GoldenFinch...that was three years ago and my heart still hurts from it and I'm still so angry and will never, ever be able to think of her as a best friend. I thought B was my best friend... I really did. I gave him everything I had and it turns out that he is no kind of friend at all-- not even willing to make the most minimal sacrifices. (Like GoldenFinch). I WOULD NEVER HAVE DENIED HIM ANYTHING HE ASKED. Now, I never want to give him anything ever again.

Suddenly, I remember the girl in the computer lab and wonder why I went through all of this suffering. I hope that girl is dead. I hope she died a horrible death. That makes me a horrible person, but I don't care... Maybe I am.

All I know is that he took my dreams away from me... and wouldn't even stay late at a party in return... Where has he gone?

Cancelled Quebec

So, here I am... dumbfounded (on the day that my draft is due and 10 minutes before a trip to the nutritionist). I was holding back tears all morning until I got to teaching-- who would ever have thought that "Industrialization" could keep me from crying!

I just can't believe that conversation that B and I had last night. I just can't believe it. He's mad at me for "cornering" in to chipping in for Kuting, even when she was sick... and for wanting him to stay at my party. I have done nothing but give to him every ounce of myself... of my soul... holding back no spark of it for myself, foolish or not-- and he is telling me that I am asking him for too much, by paying for part of Kuting's treatment and asking him to stay at my party! He didn't even stay at the party, so it's not that I asked him to stay... he didn't even want me to ask! Ultimately, he is a selfish person. What he said to me last night has suddenly made him so unattractive to me that I don't even want to be his friend anymore. I don't want to be his friend!

I am going to call my mom and ask her to go to Quebec with me and give him my ticket to the Ring in exchange and that will be that.

I feel like I'm going to throw up right now, but I really don't want to go into the bathroom in Starbucks. If I have to spit up, I'll try to do it into my iced tea.

I'm glad he said those things to me. I see him and he can give me nothing.

I still WANT, but I don't want him anymore.

Todd's Trial

I can't remember the last time that I wrote and whether it was good or bad. All I know is that I'm currently consumed by an all-encompassing choke because I fucked up the tape of the soap-- or rather, I didn't fuck it up-- SoapNet did with their "Tad the Cad" special and now I've missed the first two days of Todd's trial-- again!!

I am fucking miserable.

I guess I haven't written in here since Prem's party either-- luckily I survived this year-- got wasted, danced and danced and had a great time, although I wish I hadn't embarrassed myself in front of K and Richard at the end... oh well.

Anyway, I better get to reading. I just want to see Todd again!

Abstract Mysterious

Back in Morning Star (not the one near me) and feeling so nervous-- so, so nervous, like I want to lower my eyes... Depressed, I guess... A sense of disorientation. Abstraction from everything around me. Lost. And floating.

This all seems vaguely familiar and right. To feel this way, I mean. (Pour la fete de Rameau!). I guess I just feel mysterious and like it.

Ham and Cheese is here, so I must pause.

An Open Throat

Well, that long talk with B last night made all the difference in the world. I sooooo want to keep him close to me forever and I love having him so much. But part of me still hates him so much at the same time, and then I feel awfully alone.

Back in the school cafe (near the library) and sinking with exhaustion. Teaching this mornign went really well. I feel completely run down and I hope it's not from all this kissing.

I was exhausted at voice today too and my voice was so sticky. I really have to go to bed early tonight.

Listening to Judy Garland sing "Over the Rainbow." Her voice is so free-- you can just hear the openness of her throat.

Hungry for Life (My First "Cheers")

An interesting weekend all around. Right now in the Morning Star Restaurant on 57th and 9th. I just had my first M/W class. I was less nervous, but also had less to say (If that's possible).

Anyway, back to the weekend...

I think B is mad at me-- mad at me for having fun, if that makes any sense. Friday night with VJ was typical and not all that fun... I kissed the bouncer and danced in that vestibule and he said something about me being "thick" and it annoyed me. Then I went across the street to that bar by myself and remember the eyes of a woman laughing at me, but I didn't care.

Anyway, my favorite part of the night was sucking on those blow pops all night long.

The next day I went to see Boris Godunov with my mom. The singing was great, but I didn't have the stamina for it after the previous night.

The next night (I mean Saturday-- the day of the opera), I got a call from my Super (who I am sort of crushing on) and he asked me if I wanted to go to Cheers to sing. So, I waited for VJ and we were off.

Anyway, so much happened that I don't have the energy to write right now. Maybe I will write it later. I felt so good, the way they responded to me. Both VJ and my Super left and I met so many people... and then that guy-- I thought he looked like Walker. I was so attracted to him and kissed him and it was so thrilling... even if he was a little psycho prick!

("Fucking brilliant! You are so brilliant!" "Only YOU understand me... not my ex who I'm obsessed with.").

God! My insides are flipping just thinking of it and I feel really nervous. I just hope I didn't embarrass myself too much. VJ said I wanted to fuck him in the bathroom. I think I've set a bad precedent for myself with sex in public places-- Raj, B (at the movies and the bathroom at Buke's party and at VnY's place), the Stallion, that guy at Brother Jimmy's, the guys in New Orleans, that "almost" time at the Pyramid. Am I forgetting anything? That's got to be at least 8 times.

I am out of control and don't want to go there, but it was so good... His face felt rough-- just like W/T's and his eyes had the same hardness.

Now I just don't know what to do with myself... I mean, part of me is lapping up the positive feedback and feeling untangled from B's crap. But another part is worried about being out of control, embarrassing myself and ruining my friendship with B in the process... It makes me feel nauseated inside.

*******************

Later... (Still 2/2/4) and still feeling uneasy about everything that happened.

(My blood will be a cloud... Under here, I'm made ready!)

I feel like there's been some kind of shift. Like that thing with Raj made me feel different about everything... like I feel awake again-- seeing people freshly-- hungry for life again. And it's a good feeling.

(I just took a sip of tea and it washed so warmly down into me-- like a first sip of whiskey for the night. This tea swished down, burning in a space under my breasts).

Anyway... back to my anxiety--

I can't believe I tried to lead him into the bathroom. It's mortifying on so many levels, and yet, did I really do anything wrong? What if that's just who I am? Is that so bad? Should I worry what those people think of me now, or should I just let it go?

That long talk with Anxious yesterday about the bruising and the cravings for violence really made me feel better because she didn't think it was so weird or wrong and maybe I am just much harder on myself than everyone else...

But i hope they don't think I'm a drunk and a slut at Cheers. I had fun there and want to be able to go back with out too much pain.

Anyway, I should head to class now. It starts in 5 minutes. The first day of "Existentialism."