Hungry for Life (My First "Cheers")

An interesting weekend all around. Right now in the Morning Star Restaurant on 57th and 9th. I just had my first M/W class. I was less nervous, but also had less to say (If that's possible).

Anyway, back to the weekend...

I think B is mad at me-- mad at me for having fun, if that makes any sense. Friday night with VJ was typical and not all that fun... I kissed the bouncer and danced in that vestibule and he said something about me being "thick" and it annoyed me. Then I went across the street to that bar by myself and remember the eyes of a woman laughing at me, but I didn't care.

Anyway, my favorite part of the night was sucking on those blow pops all night long.

The next day I went to see Boris Godunov with my mom. The singing was great, but I didn't have the stamina for it after the previous night.

The next night (I mean Saturday-- the day of the opera), I got a call from my Super (who I am sort of crushing on) and he asked me if I wanted to go to Cheers to sing. So, I waited for VJ and we were off.

Anyway, so much happened that I don't have the energy to write right now. Maybe I will write it later. I felt so good, the way they responded to me. Both VJ and my Super left and I met so many people... and then that guy-- I thought he looked like Walker. I was so attracted to him and kissed him and it was so thrilling... even if he was a little psycho prick!

("Fucking brilliant! You are so brilliant!" "Only YOU understand me... not my ex who I'm obsessed with.").

God! My insides are flipping just thinking of it and I feel really nervous. I just hope I didn't embarrass myself too much. VJ said I wanted to fuck him in the bathroom. I think I've set a bad precedent for myself with sex in public places-- Raj, B (at the movies and the bathroom at Buke's party and at VnY's place), the Stallion, that guy at Brother Jimmy's, the guys in New Orleans, that "almost" time at the Pyramid. Am I forgetting anything? That's got to be at least 8 times.

I am out of control and don't want to go there, but it was so good... His face felt rough-- just like W/T's and his eyes had the same hardness.

Now I just don't know what to do with myself... I mean, part of me is lapping up the positive feedback and feeling untangled from B's crap. But another part is worried about being out of control, embarrassing myself and ruining my friendship with B in the process... It makes me feel nauseated inside.

*******************

Later... (Still 2/2/4) and still feeling uneasy about everything that happened.

(My blood will be a cloud... Under here, I'm made ready!)

I feel like there's been some kind of shift. Like that thing with Raj made me feel different about everything... like I feel awake again-- seeing people freshly-- hungry for life again. And it's a good feeling.

(I just took a sip of tea and it washed so warmly down into me-- like a first sip of whiskey for the night. This tea swished down, burning in a space under my breasts).

Anyway... back to my anxiety--

I can't believe I tried to lead him into the bathroom. It's mortifying on so many levels, and yet, did I really do anything wrong? What if that's just who I am? Is that so bad? Should I worry what those people think of me now, or should I just let it go?

That long talk with Anxious yesterday about the bruising and the cravings for violence really made me feel better because she didn't think it was so weird or wrong and maybe I am just much harder on myself than everyone else...

But i hope they don't think I'm a drunk and a slut at Cheers. I had fun there and want to be able to go back with out too much pain.

Anyway, I should head to class now. It starts in 5 minutes. The first day of "Existentialism."