Growing Up

Happy Birthday, Elvis!

I've been waiting here in Dr. Gg's office for half an hour already (with some very strange people!) (Feva'!)

I feel a strange pressing on my chest. It's the weight of loneliness. But, I suppose that it's in large part because I've been on vacation for a few weeks already. I hope B will have dinner with me tonight. Although I really do have a lot to do.

****************
Anyway, after and in the Skylight Cafe (the place where I fell on the stop when I was on my crutches.) I'm glad GoldenFinch called me last night. I feel like she cares about me after all. It's weird... we've been "broken up" longer than we were best friends (well, just about as long) but although I feel really changed, my anger and sadness about it are still fresh. Of course, I forgive her. I'm not even sure she did anything wrong. But it's hard to forget.

Sitting here at the counter of a diner reminds me of the time I sat at the counter at Tom's and lost my journal.

Food here. Must go.

****************
Further down the road in the day (by about an hour) and sitting in Starbucks with a mint tea because I'm early for my voice lesson.

I lost two pounds this time, so lets hope my voice is in better shape too. Realizing how expensive all of this is, I wonder if I'll ever make it worth it. I never would have imagined how much it could cost-- like feeding a whole other person for a year1 I guess I hope I'm worth it and that I don't end up disappointing.

Why am I so afraid of disappointing?

There's a girl in here with a Tales of Hoffman score and I'm jealous.

Just now I remembered that brown coat I bought in France. I loved that coat. Bob Dylan is playing. It reminds me of New Orleans and cocaine. That reminds me... I need to write back to Singrl.

I keep thinking about what Buke said on the phone the other day about "choosing" someone. Maybe that's been my problem. I've never though of it so much as choosing. It makes me feel bad that BigSis has never tried to set me up with anyone... or Bro-in-Law. But I see them looking for people for English all the time. I guess I can't blame them... Maybe it's not for the reasons I think. Maybe they just don't know anyone else like me... I want to know someone else like me though.

I feel like I have very little patience and then I somehow miraculously wait forever. Just like I always feel like I'll have to die from this broken heart and somehow keep on living. My heart will stay broken though. To me, it is my youth. I feel so much more like an adult now even if I don't act like one. The ghosts that have been haunting me for the past few years are finally feeling a little more comfortable... at least today they are.

It's weird when I think that only a year ago, RH was there as Todd... The year seems infinite when I think of it that way... That only a year ago, I got Rochie. He is so exasperating sometimes, but I love him so much. My whole way of thinking has to change because of this damn broken heart and I think that's why my brain feels so fractured now... Like that song "to get me to you" or HW's wedding song-- "At Last." I used to be waiting for an arrival. Now I don't believe that I will ever arrive. Even more than before, I understand Grandma L's "work in progress."

And when I think of my dad, I still get that choke of tears. How can something hurt so badly 14 years later? It's almost as if he never had a chance. I want him back. I want to see him one more time and not feel scared this time. I want to hug him and tell him how much I love him. As an adult now. Without fear.