The Old Young Woman

Back at Columbia in the undergrad reading room on the ground floor of Butler. I have a horrendous knot in my neck that makes it basically impossible to read because it hurts to put my head down. It almost feels like a gland, except that I don't think I have a gland back there. And besides, I really shouldn't make any excuses about not doing my reading because I just flipped through the whole of Musical America (with the flier that IronChef and I designed still on the back).

Everyone here looks so young. They are all so fucking young, and I feel so old. I feel like the four years that I spent here were the truest age-- making the closest and most raw friendships and acting on every impulse.

I used to laugh at VJ when she said she's rather die than get old and I don't feel like my friends in their late 20's or early 30's are old at all... but now, as for myself, I feel a panic-- that I am so very old. It feels compounded by what my voice teacher said-- that if I wait too long, I'll be too old for singing too.

Going back to choir is going to be weird tonight. I'm really nervous about it. I'm not sure how to act. Now I"m extra nervous because I left my music at K-house. I'm starting to feel burnt out from this semester. I know there's only three more weeks of this reading and the papers, but it doesn't feel like anything is going to really let up until after the comps in August.

Anyway, it's almost 6:15. I suppose I should try to get through this book in the next hour and a half.

Later...