The Breakup (sort of)

Anyway, we have broken up, but I am not afraid. It is really strange, but in some way I know that we are going to end up together because it is meant to be. I feel it and maybe I am being foolish, but I have never been more sure of anything... And even if we are apart and even if he's on the other side of the world, I feel connected to him. He is my second half.

And talking to GoldenFinch, I think I have put my finger on what this is all about... It's the way we got together. We slept with each other when we were drunk... It was a classic textbook case of "10 at 2:00 and 2 at 10:00." At my point in life, I didn't' want or need a 10... I wanted a friend-- trust, stability, and real love and kindness. He, on the other hand, ended up in a relationship that started by accident-- there was no spark, no initial attraction-- and he has spent all of this time trying to reconcile that. It is a very weird situation...

Most one-night stands, if between strangers, only develop into more if that spark is there. Or they end. But because we were friends, we were able to fall in love without it. That spark was not there either. B is not my physical ideal... But he point is that whether or not he "would have" slept with me, he did sleep with me. And the love that developed out of our friendship was worth more to me than a fluttering heart. That I am not worth it to him, despite how much I know he loves me is where he disgusts me.

He also has to realize that there are no ideal relationships. I have made a hundred thousand compromises for him. He doesn't like to go out...

I recognize and accept these not as compromising the relationship or settling, but part of what makes him the person that I love. He sees my flaws as barriers, though. And it proves that the flaws are stronger than the love and that is why I left. We will never have that "crush" dynamic-- that ethereal and nervous beginning. We started with the quiet... with the solid. If that excitement, that prize of winning something desired is so important to him, he will never find his way home to me.

HE has to think about what kind of love he wants. Ours will never have that kind of excitement. And i have to admit... I am sick of it, feel like I've grown out of it, in a way, and to me, what was refreshing is to him problematic.

On another note, GoldenFinch paid me a beautiful compliment today. She told me that I am an "exquisite person" and that everyone who is close to me... who I choose to take in as my friend is forced to really look at who they are and strip back the layers to be the real person that they are at the bottom. She told me that the standard I set for love, friendship, kindness and justice are so high and so true that people whose lives touch mine look at themselves and their lives in the light of those truths. And that is a gift that I give to my friends.

I feel really honored she said that...