Watching the Christmas Lights

Sitting on the steps, showered and alone and staring into the rainbow starlight that I did not give him and could not share. And while part of me feels safer, my miracle and the secret pleasure of this annual beauty has lost some of what it used to make me dream... It is BEAUTY and not something to be given. That I couldn't give it to him means that I didn't (don't) trust him and how can that be the fullest love?

And without the fullest, truest love, how can I be full? There is always something MORE.

And why did he so readily say to "keep it for myself?" Is he not ready to share?

And so alone in other Christmas house, the rounded tree, the warmth of the parlour... even the cool wooden slats are smeared with the dull reflection of color-- impressionist stripes... and of course... my starlight. (The wind chimes faintly sing).

And I have moved to the couch where a golden reindeer stands through the glass-- visible and invisible against the waving of the flag... glowing kisses... pure beauty because it is pure color and light.

And all I have ever wanted my life to be is that color and light...Whether it is the crystal sun shining into the Hudson, or a shimmering pane of stained glass casting quivering gelatin shadows, or the simple glow of a colored light bulb reflected into the window and the night and the mirrored walls of the china cabinet.

But I can't shake this self-loathing... this choking that dulls every star... this trapped ache. And God, how I want to slice myself... cut myself open and free my soul from here... from this disgusting grounding form... And all I see are his eyes straining to stay fixed on the monitor... and that "luscious" girl.

He said that he wants to shower me with love... but what if I don't believe in love anymore? I mean, I still love him, but I really feel like I have lost an innocence and hopefulness that will never return. I don't know if it is so bad that I can't adjust, but I will never be free of myself again and I hate him for that. I feel disgusting... I have no dignity... raped...

And I know that he's sorry, but what good does it do to be sorry that you ate from the tree? Paradise is Lost (not to sound too ridiculous), but it is!

The lights have lost their sparkle because my dreams have... and I choke, choke, choke... empty inside once more.

And so... although the beauty is there, it is muted behind veils of anguish and LOATHING and despite his effort not to "take" the sanctity of my Christmas lights away from me, he has...

Rape steals all beauty from the world and buries it in the flesh which I long to burn away, slice away... the flesh that I ache to vomit up all the time... each time I eat.. more and more.

And I am trying so hard to be strong... to keep perspective, but for what? I have perspective! He said hateful things and so I hate... He said loathsome things and so I loathe! He compared me to them and now I do the same... every minute and hour of the day...

...and he has put me here. And it will kill my spirit. And no matter what facade I can muster up with my strength, my soul dis being gnawed away at every day... and my colored lights will forever be past my fingertips-- nothing is sacred. I have been raped of all beauty.