Self-Hatred

It's been a long time since I've had to write, and blissfully happy... but my stupid, stupid fear gnawing at everything. That I will be abandoned...That, like he said, he will want someone else. And he says he does, but only in fantasy... And if it's dumb for me not to be able to accept that as "the nature of the beast," maybe I'm just dumb. It just feels disrespectful and unloving and most of all, unhappy. And it makes me feel so self-loathing and unattractive.

Ugh... I hate myself. I am a weak-willed piece of shit and I deserve to die for eating that rice today... oh yeah-- and that ice cream last night.

I don't want to stay this way. I am just a weak, loathsome, piece of garbage and I can't blame him for wanting to be with someone else... I wonder what he imagines. Like when Air7 told me he tries to picture what every girl looks like giving a blow-job. I guess I should shut up about it to him because he says he will never change.

But I will never be able to accept or reconcile this... I will wonder abut everyone that I see...And since I can't hate all women, I will only hate myself.