Notre Dame Morning

Happy three months!

Everything is sitting so still this morning, the gray electric drops sparking wet back off the sidewalk and inside with the warm wooden panels and sandy peach-tiled floors. I don't even know the name of this place...

My heart slightly jumps and my nerves make me sigh as I wait, against the traffic, for 11:15. Another half an hour.

B is singing in church today and KW may come meet us. She said she bumped into AIR7 and he gave her his number.

"Call me any time," he said.

And it scares me. And i wonder how he will exact his revenge.

This food lumps in my stomach and I wonder why I am so endlessly weak and there is no answer... Except to try not to think about it...

B said that Matt A. is coming next weekend and might need to sleep in my room and I wonder if that means that I need to lock up the "chest of sin."

And I am worried about my stepfather and I wonder why. My mom doesn't even want to try. And I brace myself against that choke and think of sparkling rivers laced with the soft white dotted sails of so many dreams like mine and I try not to think about it...

There is nothing left to write and nothing left to mourn, only things to kiss and dream into the eyes of another. And God, I love him so much!

I told Aunt N. that I would write a poem today for Jol. It's an anti-smoking thing with the theme "Be Smart, Don't Start." I need to think of an angle...

I wonder if I should start worrying about midterms and then I know I should worry about getting my chromatic done and I wonder what lullabies I can sing.

I try to correct my handwriting to make it beautiful.

I love him, I love him, I love him.