Stay out of the Hospital

At MoMa with B and Sharon and her friend for Friday night jazz. And I just saw The General's Daughter and am sweating through weakness and hot flashes. I have to remember the cardinal rule-- push yourself just far enough to stay out of notice and out of the hospital... respect the Golden line. But I just don't want to eat anymore... Last night I did... and fought it off and today I don't want to anymore.

That movie was really disturbing at some parts... her eyes... and the acting sucked. But like he said, she died seven years ago. It was the same in "Sideman" when she kept insisting "I've been dead for 30 years."

And it is possible to be living dead; but the real question is whether or not it is possible to be raised. And nobody really understands.

And I am bored with drugs and I am bored with "good" and I am bored with pretending every day that everything is okay.

And it kills me because I know what I need and I know what the cure is, but it is the one thing that is utterly unavailable because part of me is gone and that is that part of me that I need to be able to give.