Dying on the Inside

The past week has been as bad as any that I can remember... And I hate him for taking away my trust and self-respect and leaving me in this inescapable hell. That girl in the computer lab...
...I have thrown up without stopping and I really think I should have left him, but I love him so much that I can't. But, I know this pain will never heal. I hate him! I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE him!!! And I wish I were dead and that he were dead and that I could see that girl scarred and mutilated and disfigured and suffering and I would laugh and spit on her.

What am I saying? Who have I become? I don't know what happened to the old me... The one with the soft-hearted compassion... But I know that a large part of me has been exterminated. I don't care about anyone anymore... He humiliates me. I have no more dignity, self-respect, sense-of self, trust, hopes or dreams...

Fuck him!

And I love him, love, love, love, love, love, love, love him with all of my soul until death. I love him beyond words or emotion. We are soul mates... I know it.

And so, it is hopeless. And once again, I can only wish to die...

I will never be happy again. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!

I want to scream and I can't. I want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!

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Later, and in the Post Office... On line for money-orders for B's grad school applications. The line is taking forever and my back hurts and all I want to do is cry and get rid of this well of pain pounding down on my chest. I feel so numb and my eyes can hardly focus on anything anymore... The background. And everyone around me blurs and I can't focus enough to do anything about it, can't think clearly, can't see... Only that girl and my pain and the dull fluorescent lighting of the computer lab.

I hate her, hate her, HATE her!

And it scares me how much hate I am filled with... Almost as much hatred as I have love for B.