New Year's Eve

So, another New Year... and New Year's Eve was CRAZY!! (On the LIRR. Going to see "The Green Mile" today with my mom and M). And the Ecstasy and the Coke and the dancing... Kissing... three of them... and Liu... and flashes of light and sweat and POWER and midnight-- when B asked me to marry him.

And then, those very words taken back in the bleeding hell of the next morning... And I LOVE HIM, but all of this hurts too much...

He has to "go slow" for his parents, and that's fine, because that's what I would have said, but how can you propose to someone and then take it back? It's as if it meant nothing.

I feel like shit again. And maybe it's better to feel sweat, color and desire... the beauty of the drugs... I won't forget it for a long time, although I was never so relieved as when they wore off... And glad that I will never see those two again.

And I told him what was in my head... and my soul... her body and mine... Fuck him!! FUCK HIM! I don't think I can take three more weeks of this... A huge part of me just wants this hell to be over.

(But what about LOVE, Hyde? He is your heart, your soul, your life, your future!!!)

Yeah? What about it?

To Florida tomorrow. I have to think.

HAPPY 2000!