At the Bottom

I have completely lost everything... My B says that he does not love me... And God! How I love him! And I would do anything for him. What is life about? What am I doing? He has told me that I am too horrid for him and I believe him... I can't be have sex with him anymore. I feel like shit... I hate getting dressed, sitting down, standing up, being touched, being sexual at all.

I slashed my arm in between classes today because I ate some grilled cheese.

And I know that all of this is crazy, but the feeling is there... the desperation and absolute self-disgust, loathing and revulsion and I wonder if it will every go away.

I hate myself. I don't want to have a body... I don't want to exist physically at all. I just want to die and disappear.

And I am struggling so fucking hard to be okay... hang on to the remnants of who I am... desperate to hear that he loves me, that he wants me, that I am brave, that I can...

And he tells me that he doubts. I know that he has always doubted. And it makes me angry and tortuously miserable at the same time. He doesn't know if he loves me!!! He is my B! This can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be happening! I LOVE him! And I will never see or understand why I am not good enough to be love.d The only thing I can see that's wrong is what he has told me... And I must be at fault. I must be at fault for all of this. Unlovable.

I want to suffer. I want to bleed...choke... I want my heart to beat itself to death... My lungs to freeze... My fingers to fall off.... My thighs to burn! I want it. I want it! I want it!

And yet, I'm afraid that the more scars I give myself, the worse I'm going to look, and I only want for him to want me.

And he told me to leave him... that I will be happier without him. And maybe I would have been happier if we had never been together. But I LOVE him now and I don't' think he can understand the strength of that love... It has become the core of who I am and I can not give it up just because he says that he can't make me happy. This is my everything.

I'll do anything to be good. I just want to make him happy. I want to be good if only I can have another chance.

I have to pray.