Vulnerability

Headed home on the LIRR. Went with B to his swim test today and then to Nacho Mamas. And talked to Dr. G this morning about why I let it happen... With HIM, I mean. Why I even try to rationalize... Do I really need stuff like that, or is that a rationale in itself? And it's because I can't get angry that I get pissed at waitresses, at myself, and always forgive everyone...

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Anyway... Now it's later and I'm sitting here at Salon 76 with the dye on my hair. (I hope she doesn't make it too dark...) And all I keep thinking about is ChoirMan and AIR7 and AIR7 and ChoirMan and how fucked up everything always is... I am so grateful that he's not coming to the concert to morrow though... I don't know if I could stand that anymore... And I have to remember to write down "the room" metaphor later... I think I can do something to tie it to April and her room.

Anyway, I think I might have put some weight on because I feel fat and bloated and gross and my clothes are tight... My face has blown up (from the drinking?). I will have to focus myself... After midterms though.

Oh! I have to check to make sure that those plans with PhysicsGuy are not at the same time as my Indian Music midterm...

I have to get a new stereo system today...

I'm so glad that B is hanging out more lately... I really don't know what I will do without him next year... In a weird way, maybe the way he disappeared had something to do with my relationships otherwise. Although, who knows...

I am really tired... Almost too tired to write anymore... It's a weird thing with E-the-R though... I liked it when I felt less vulnerable... That's the thing... I feel so vulnerable lately... More than before all this began and more than when I was drinking like crazy and really was more vulnerable...