Perversions

I'm sorry, AIR7...

I'm drunk at the Dive Bar but I still care for you... You don't understand what loving me really means and I don't think that you ever will. You don't understand that love is pain because pain is the strongest emotion there is and that is what I give to you... that can be my only gift to you.

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1:52 AM

Okay... So now I'm sitting on the steps outside Hogan waiting for KSing to get back. (I made her walk back up with E-the-R because I really just can't risk it). And I kissed ChoirMan... No! He kissed me. (I want to write it while my memory is clear and so I don't forget anything and let myself think that this was at all my fault!). And he kept kissing me...

I told him that I didn't want it... Or that if he wanted to kiss me, he should call me and make a plan that was not in front of everyone else. Because I know what they must be thinking and everyone hates me. But I know that he never will... I know he never will...

Anyway, I don't deserve AIR7 after this, and I don't deserve shit. I am not strong enough for any of this!!! And I know that I will see him tomorrow and pretend that everything was okay... I will pretend to ChoirMan that it's all okay, even though I want to die inside. And I will pretend to AIR7 that it's okay even though I want to die inside because I am not worth of him... It's like he loves me until he remembers who and what I am and then he doesn't love me at all... He remembers what a worthless piece of shit I am... a girl who can't even hold herself together...

And he plays that voice message over and over, hearing the pathetic betrayal in my voice and he is reminded of how disgusting I am and how pathetic I am and he is reminded of why any of this pain existed to begin with...

It is because I am shit and I love him and he doesn't care.

And it doesn't matter what I do' and it doesn't matter how hard I try' but I am shit and I have always been shit and I always will be shit. I am so cold here, sitting on the steps of Hogan... I think I will go inside and check my messages to get out of the cold for a while.