Desperate for a "Geographic"

And so it goes... And I haven't written in almost a month (except for some Vermeer in between) and I am on the plane on my way to New Orleans, fending off a fever. (And my glowing Alexandra nail is smudged)... but it is the color that AIR7 likes.

And it pisses me off that he is so central, and I wonder why it has to be that way and why he makes me cry so easily... he will never change and he will never understand. And I wonder if I am just caught in a rut with all this... and if I should just throw him off altogether and have faith in myself that I can and will find happiness somewhere... But I don't have that faith, an so it is for those false moments that I will let him twist me this way...

Whatever... I am sick of thinking about it already. Maybe I should just go crazy and have fun again... But I promised that I wouldn't... And to do that would be to break so may promises to so many people at once...

And this plane is going to St. Louis and that makes me think of Scheisser. And that dram I had the other day is bothering me because it means that I don't hate him anymore...And how can I not hate him anymore? It is all form that day that I saw him in the street (with his brother)... he surprised me so... And I felt everything exactly as I used to feel it and then went up and had to swallow my patience with AIR7.

I am so sick of all of these games and routines and twisted relationships, but it seems so hard to get out... I just need a clean break... I just need something new...