Moving On

Okay.

Today is going to be a changing day in "mah life."

First I went to Dr. G. She made me ask myself-- what did I do with those feelings? How am I still friends with B? Why am I emotional with the person who has hurt me most in the whole wide world? I realized that this is all part of the way I hold myself back. I don't let myself take risks anymore. And as scared as I am of dying alone, can I live like this for the rest of my life? I don't think so...

Then I came home and called B and cried because this is still between us. And I'm sick of sitting on it for the sake of our friendship and letting it eat away at me and come out in different ways. I need to deal with these feelings, but I don't know if I can be there for him if I do.

Then I cooked lunch (yes, cooked!) and watched Dr. Phil. It was a "weight loss challenge" episode. It made me realize that I'm sick of who I am. Cutting myself or getting more tattoos or pretending that there are no problems won't put me in control or stop me from hating myself. I need to work every single day to change my life and that includes cooking, cleaning, diet, exercise and no more of this with B.

This is what I'm going to propose:
1.) No more sleeping over.
2.) No more kisses
3.) No more "tatz"
4.) hanging out limited to twice a month
5.) control acting vulnerable as much as possible.
6.) FACE YOUR FUCKING FEELINGS THAT YOU'RE PISSED AT HIM!!!

I mean, even if he didn't hurt me on purpose, he didn't have to date me or live with me if he thought I wasn't good enough for him. AND, once he did, eh didn't have to tell me that it's my flaws that keep him from being with me. He was SELFISH in that working out his problems took place at my expense.

I WANT TO MOVE ON.