Chaos and Connection

The day after HW's wedding... It was weird for me in a lot ways... When AW said he wanted to slap C and I felt it turn in my stomach in the strangest place... where things felt mystically or spiritually root themselves. And when my mom cried because I said it makes me sad when I think of how sad my dad must have been... and she felt responsible that she couldn't help him...

(when L kissed my neck).

I felt weirdly drawn to chaos... Maybe it's not so weird, but why am I so different from BigSis and LilSis like that? I almost wish that family was even crazier so that I could release all this shit that I struggle against all the time (and smoke in the open), but I know that I would die...

And here I am... drunk again tonight and feeling deliciously connected and horribly guilty for it all the same...

"The History of the Beach" is on the history channel right now. B is in the Philippines and seems worlds away from the W's.

I so want to meet a boy to love me... I want to connect to someone... To have a partner in this chaos so I don't need to be floating anymore.