The Raw Life

Well, since I can't concentrate on the reading I'm supposed to do (Sex and the Search for Modernity in Fin-de-Siecle Russia) in front of an extra large cappuccino, I might as well write a few words here...

First, I'm going to make a list of all the old movies I've seen since August:

Night and Fog
Birth of a Nation
(both for class)

Easy Come, Easy Go
Change of Habit
King Creole
Jailhouse Rock
Loving You

A Streetcar Named Desire!!!
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
The Grapes of Wrath
On the Waterfront
Godfather I and Godfather II
Last Tango in Paris
Lawrence of Arabia
The Wild One
The Young Lions
Cool Hand Luke
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
A Fool There Was
Guy and Dolls
Carousel (although this one doesn't really count)

And a few more on the way...

On a totally different note, sometimes I think that I'll never be "cured" nor do I want to be. Last night I very purposefully got a little drunk and carved "EP" into my thigh. Why can't I let go of such an awful vice... so truly bizarre? I mean, I don't think it's at all rooted in the "typical" reasons for self-injury. In fact, I know it's not.

It's more about a desperate, aching hunger for beauty and finding God and beauty in the rawness of life. An aching to see things destroyed... for that's the moment of life at its most full-- to be destroyed by someone cool and in control... a life giver and taker-- a God-- but someone shaken with emotion beneath it all... a MAN!

To join God and man in a beating. To crush nature's creations and color it all with "will."

I hate this part of myself. It's always craving and it embarrasses me. I know that no one I know feels this way or could even come near to understanding without pity or fear. I wish I didn't feel this way. Or maybe I just need someone to beat the shit out of me to get it out of my system.

These feelings... these cravings are so unwelcome. So confusing... And yet they are most often the only thing in my life that seems real. It's as if everything else is just a means for killing time. And the best I can do is to be self-mocking because there's no room for anything else. But even that requires a great leap of courage.

The people sitting near me are really annoying. Some Hungarian girl who just arrived here... and some sleazy guy who's interviewing her as if she were a mail order bride.

Well... I suppose I should get back to reading because I do need to present this week...