Slow High

Ok. I'm high again, but not like that. This time I am really slow and I get the sense that my handwriting is very big. Will tell more tomorrow. Today is a day (entry) that needs justice.

Saw Streetcar.

Got excited.

Couldn't sleep.

This is to calm my brain and nerves and let me rest

Scary Drugs

Ok. I am so fucked up right now (and I even see myself writing messy and it's slowing me down. I see myself writing so slowly and I'm going to be mad at me but (faster)

I'm thinking so much faster and my wrists feel tingle, I can feeling I had the time to go back and write that. Oh my god, my mind is just slowed down. I feel so much more clear but my wrists are still tingling. I know I'm not writing clear. This is SO fucking hard to stay on the line.

I want to let go and be high. high. HIGH.

I want it's 12/26- 12:01 Lorai just said 10:36 3rd

In the Stacks

Democratic primary debate today, but I missed it. I was at the New York Public Library with my seminar class. The best part was going down into the (normally closed) stacks and watching the slips come down through the shoots and the books go up the little elevator. I went to JJay to get some library books (where there were a lot of cameras for some Elvis Costello concert on A&E) and then home to watch Extreme Makeovers. Skipped dinner again. :)

Moving On

Okay.

Today is going to be a changing day in "mah life."

First I went to Dr. G. She made me ask myself-- what did I do with those feelings? How am I still friends with B? Why am I emotional with the person who has hurt me most in the whole wide world? I realized that this is all part of the way I hold myself back. I don't let myself take risks anymore. And as scared as I am of dying alone, can I live like this for the rest of my life? I don't think so...

Then I came home and called B and cried because this is still between us. And I'm sick of sitting on it for the sake of our friendship and letting it eat away at me and come out in different ways. I need to deal with these feelings, but I don't know if I can be there for him if I do.

Then I cooked lunch (yes, cooked!) and watched Dr. Phil. It was a "weight loss challenge" episode. It made me realize that I'm sick of who I am. Cutting myself or getting more tattoos or pretending that there are no problems won't put me in control or stop me from hating myself. I need to work every single day to change my life and that includes cooking, cleaning, diet, exercise and no more of this with B.

This is what I'm going to propose:
1.) No more sleeping over.
2.) No more kisses
3.) No more "tatz"
4.) hanging out limited to twice a month
5.) control acting vulnerable as much as possible.
6.) FACE YOUR FUCKING FEELINGS THAT YOU'RE PISSED AT HIM!!!

I mean, even if he didn't hurt me on purpose, he didn't have to date me or live with me if he thought I wasn't good enough for him. AND, once he did, eh didn't have to tell me that it's my flaws that keep him from being with me. He was SELFISH in that working out his problems took place at my expense.

I WANT TO MOVE ON.

Vindicating Liu

Later (much later... 1:31 in the morning into the day after and I'm drunk on a bottle or two of wine...)

I just feel the need to write to vindicate Liu. I'm so glad that she called me... that she was thinking about me. Maybe she is more like me that I thought... I just feel like the more time that goes by, the less alike our lives are, the less alike we are...

Anyway, it's late and I'm drunk and I have a lot of reading to do tomorrow, so that's it for now.

lots of love,

h

College Days Fade

Just left lunch with B at Hsin Yi. The neighborhood is crazy right now. The UN General Assembly begins meeting today so there are leaders from all around the world here. The police presence is crazy. They say it's supposed to be like this until October 5th. Oh well... It's already 12:30 and I still have so much fucking reading to do. I really want to eat a muffin, but just ate lunch so know that it's just gluttony.

It's weird (and this is a totally new train of thought), but I am beginning to feel like "the college years" are in a safe and comfortable past. I don't feel like that person anymore. I feel like that can have been my youth, but who I am now doesn't have to be continuous with that. I feel like I am redefining relationships with a lot of my friends and that I see them from more of a distance. I feel like I want to open up less to people I'm not all that close to. Even stranger, I don't want to be close to so many people.

It's harder to keep friendships tight without opening up though. It just seems that everyone's lives are so different. GoldenFinch is getting married. NiS may be heading off to Germany. Who the hell knows what Liu is up to since I hardly hear from her anymore...

I think one of the reasons I feel really irritated with her is that she "aligned herself" back then because she was going through some sort of phase and then she moved on, but meanwhile that part of me was not a phase, but something more essential. I thought I had found someone who understood and was the same and now I feel like I was wrong. Nobody can be trusted to be the same sort of friend when there's a man around, unless the relationship is not going well...

Anyway, I better get reading. Like I said... I have so much fucking work to do!

Cool Tagalog

Secret Communication Words:

maliit ako: I am small
pansinin mo ako: pay attention to me!
nakakainis- is annoying
saan ka uuwi- where are you going (home)?
kailan tayo uuwi: when are we going home?

ulol: crazy!
gago: stupid!
vastas: obscene, lewd, crass!

The Raw Life

Well, since I can't concentrate on the reading I'm supposed to do (Sex and the Search for Modernity in Fin-de-Siecle Russia) in front of an extra large cappuccino, I might as well write a few words here...

First, I'm going to make a list of all the old movies I've seen since August:

Night and Fog
Birth of a Nation
(both for class)

Easy Come, Easy Go
Change of Habit
King Creole
Jailhouse Rock
Loving You

A Streetcar Named Desire!!!
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
The Grapes of Wrath
On the Waterfront
Godfather I and Godfather II
Last Tango in Paris
Lawrence of Arabia
The Wild One
The Young Lions
Cool Hand Luke
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
A Fool There Was
Guy and Dolls
Carousel (although this one doesn't really count)

And a few more on the way...

On a totally different note, sometimes I think that I'll never be "cured" nor do I want to be. Last night I very purposefully got a little drunk and carved "EP" into my thigh. Why can't I let go of such an awful vice... so truly bizarre? I mean, I don't think it's at all rooted in the "typical" reasons for self-injury. In fact, I know it's not.

It's more about a desperate, aching hunger for beauty and finding God and beauty in the rawness of life. An aching to see things destroyed... for that's the moment of life at its most full-- to be destroyed by someone cool and in control... a life giver and taker-- a God-- but someone shaken with emotion beneath it all... a MAN!

To join God and man in a beating. To crush nature's creations and color it all with "will."

I hate this part of myself. It's always craving and it embarrasses me. I know that no one I know feels this way or could even come near to understanding without pity or fear. I wish I didn't feel this way. Or maybe I just need someone to beat the shit out of me to get it out of my system.

These feelings... these cravings are so unwelcome. So confusing... And yet they are most often the only thing in my life that seems real. It's as if everything else is just a means for killing time. And the best I can do is to be self-mocking because there's no room for anything else. But even that requires a great leap of courage.

The people sitting near me are really annoying. Some Hungarian girl who just arrived here... and some sleazy guy who's interviewing her as if she were a mail order bride.

Well... I suppose I should get back to reading because I do need to present this week...