One a Plane with B

Everything is SO much better. I am so proud of myself for holding my ground. I think it really makes a difference in the way that he sees me and treats me.

Yesterday was CW's wedding-- a strange event, but very fun. I honestly can't believe that he's married! It's all too strange... I had so much fun dancing though. I wish that we could go out dancing some more, but now I have that whole bad memory of that stupid girl and the idea of going to a club nauseates me.

Right now we are on the plane from Memphis to New Orleans. I'm really excited about this trip... although six days seems WAY short.

I love looking down and watching the clouds press their fingers over the delicate glass that separates heaven from earth. The earth here is divided into brown and green patches linked by their beige snaking lines. It's all so neat... so sanitized. But I know that if I stood on the Earth here, it would seem natural, fertile and wondrous compared to the sparkling city sidewalks of New York.

The squares below remind me of the neat line of a new haircut on the back of a boy's neck.

And the clouds float above, softly chiding us with laughter and amorphous asymmetrical perfection.

"Lines and loops aren't necessary" they say.

It's hard to hear up here. Maybe it's best not to hear everything that they're saying. Secrets are best kept that way, and blues fade from blue to blue.

But my ears hurt. And sometimes I wish I were back in the forest. That must be childhood.

I wonder where their ribbons are? The magical plastic threads that open and close the marionette mouths of the clouds. A paper airplane folded and painted and silent hangs motionless among them.

"A Christmas ornament," he called it.

Hmmm.....

Being in the sky reminds me of being in an inverted sea. And gazing towards the clouds reminds me of the rippling patches of light through which civilization rests-- not a soul to be seen from these depths...

Just the piercing shades of blue and white and the silent landscape below.

The Hard Hearted Woman

Today is only his first full day back, and already I feel like shit. I know that I promised not to write anything negative in here, but I think that it's important that I record how I feel, because it will help me keep things straight in my head, and it will help me make the right decision for me-- whatever that might be.

It all started because he wanted to read me something from his "journal" and didn't want me to lean on him while he read, so that I couldn't see the pages. Either he doesn't trust me or he wrote more negative things. I hope that he's learned a lesson-- one that I've always known... Never put ANYTHING in writing ANYWHERE if you don't want it to come back to you.

Until the day that I die, I will never forget the things he wrote in that journal. I am trying my best to forgive him... to contextualize those things and to move on from the whole thing, but those words are burned into my soul. They are a part of me now. Reading those words-- especially what he said about his Aunt and about the difference between bringing me "home" and bringing GoldenFinch "home" and his little list of who he'd like to fuck... it has changed me forever. He was right that night-- I don't know him. I really honestly feel like I don't know him at all and I certainly don't trust him. HE has betrayed that trust one too many times.

I was beginning to feel like myself again while he was gone. I only feel like the girl he sees me as when he's with me. I think I have made it very clear to him, and I am very proud of myself.

I will NOT be treated that way, written about that way or thought about that way. I WILL NOT. I feel like a much meaner person, but much stronger.

MY HEART IS HARD.

He doesn't know me like this and I think that he's in for a big surprise. I am a different girl now and I won't play these games anymore. I am solving our problems by breaking the cycle. It's "shape up or ship out."

And now I have a fever again. And no circulation in my left arm. I am starving myself into sickness. And he still can't think that I'm beautiful. Did he fuck me like that last night because I'm me? Or was it just because he hasn't had any sex in three weeks? Or was it because I seemed different and new, so he could pretend he was fucking somebody else? Maybe one of the girls on his "most-fuckable" list...

But no-- I could never pass for them. I am sick of being belittled by him. Who the fuck does he think he is, anyway? I mean, he doesn't know... he doesn't know... I just saw the Stallion and the Stallion wanted me...

Hold on. He's here and wants to talk.

Becoming a Teacher

Here in the streaked sunlight and its slimming shadows with soft warm salt curling on my lip. I can't believe I'm signing a contract today. I can't believe IronChef was fired yesterday! How do these things happen so quickly and without warning? Or, perhaps, the warnings appear but go unrecognized.

I really like it here. It's green and peaceful and I feel natural. More than anything, that's why I think this is right. I never felt that way at the music company. I was always a foreigner sitting in on someone else's world-- someone else's life. I am going to try to stay in touch with IronChef, though. I think that she is a really good person and a person worth knowing, no matter what differences in philosophy we had.

I just wish this salty sun would let up a bit... although I am glad that it is not so humid. And every now and then, the kissing grace of a breeze. So, whatever else, this is okay and I know that.

I'm glad I didn't go with Jake to Brooklyn last night. I had a bad feeling about that. Besides, too many things happened strangely yesterday. I can't believe that I bumped into the Stallion! And all I could think of was that my hair looked bad. Why do I even care? I can't even sustain a conversation with him-- we just have nothing to talk about.

But I remember how he felt and how strong he was and how deep he went. It's hard to forget, even if I never think of it. Anyway, it's about 15 minutes to my appointment, so I think I'll go in...

**********************

So-- inside now. I'm under the soft brown light on the muted striped couch in the air conditioned room. My feet are resting on the spotted, granulated carpet. My eyes are raised to the powder blue lapels of classes long gone.

I'm not sure how to act. I can't quite remember everyone's names. The rumbling in my stomach coalesces-- sucked together into a tiny pin-point which then sets its heart on leaping into my throat. At least I wasn't late this time. I just don't want to be late for my boss today either... Or the bulldog will have my head...

But what do I care? I have a home. And my B will be back tomorrow! So much has changed. It seems like it has been an eternity.

They are going to call me soon.

Vocal Practice

Sound added to jaw exercise with fingers and thumbs.

Side to side jaw-- DON'T FORCE

Panting: Short inhale and exhale. Inhale after every one. Slow and steady.

More concentration on getting air into the side and back daily AND singing.

Blowing bubbles with a straw.

A Career Move

I got the job!!! Hooray!!!

Interview

I'm off to the interview at the ----- School (on the R-train now) and I feel scared. I don't like talking to strangers. I feel shy. I also hate having to promote myself. It feels so unnatural and fake and shallow. I just want to sing and look at the water all day. Ay Buhay!

*******************

Okay, so I did it... and I think I kicked ass! I mean, whether or not they want me, I know that I could do this job and I showed them that. I have to start thinking that way about the rest of the shit in my life-- whether or not they want me, I know who I am, what I can do and I have to show it. I will find the right place for me eventually-- where my talents will be appreciated, utilized and treasured.

A Moment of Clarity

To begin again is such a beautiful thing. Especially when this is truly the only second start. To acknowledge the layered fabrications of soiled cloth-- the suffocating truths and dream realities-- the cage inside a seashell and the forever tide of guilt and sickening regret. Finally to be worn down by the sea-- to the tiny grain of sand, tired and gleaming at the center of it all. And to really see her-- me-- and grow and forgive and remember and cry and forgive again.

To come back to God-- who never had a face or a name. I've known that all along. So why did I throw myself into that fruitless, endless, and painful maze? Not able to acknowledge the wisdom and the truth that my soul turned the wrinkled corners of her mouth up at. It was all a cave. Buried deep within the burning sands. Sands which god has scooped up into the palms of his cooling hands-- allowing it to trickle back down to earth in sparkling blue droplets which run down my cheeks, over my breasts, my stomach, and leaving my thighs, shining as they gather in puddles around my ankles.

I see myself again. Perhaps only for the second time since the day that I was born. And I know that this is fleeting-- as any gift of God, any true magical vision must be-- but it is the beginning-- the gift of a light-- in bubbles blowing the dust off the reddened wooden case of my heart.

And shining tears of polish and the wailing pink folds of birth meet each other for one moment. One breath. One whisper. One blinding flash of newness. And the rest is left to me.

Love is Not Enough

Reading back on this now only makes things seem so much more pathetic. All of this patience and all of the breakthroughs, but nothing has changed at all.

Talked with Dr. G. this morning and it was really good. I have to stop worrying about what B is thinking and feeling as the barometer of this relationship, and I have to start measuring it only by what I am thinking and feeling. I mean-- if he wants me more than ever, if I feel unattractive with him then it won't work. And even if I feel great, but he is thinking bad things about me, who gives a shit what he thinks? I feel great!

The thing is-- right now I am devastated by what I read in his journal and I feel suicidally self-loathing. If it stays this way, I am resolved to end this thing once and for all. Reading back this journal only reinforces that. He may be getting better, but I am not. No-- I can't control his thoughts, but if he wants to be with me, he has to make me feel like number one.

I mean, there are smarter people, funnier people, wealthier people, more focused people, more talented people and prettier people out there. I'm not asking him to deny that. But it's like with singing-- he is proud of me and loves my voice even if it's not the "best." And that's what we have to come to here.

I think I need to give our relationship a trial period when he gets back and then write him a letter that he can take to his therapist that makes it very clear. I think the reason he feels "controlled" is because I have been using him as a barometer.

And Liu's email was so wonderful! I really wished that she lived here. I love her so much that I want to pick up and move to Colorado right now. Life would be unbearably lonely without B, but I would have my self-esteem and sense of self back.

Now is the time.

I am ready to split from him if he doesn't appreciate me, if he isn't proud of me and if I am in any way inadequate. Yes, I love him, but I think I have finally learned my lesson...

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.