The Hard Hearted Woman

Today is only his first full day back, and already I feel like shit. I know that I promised not to write anything negative in here, but I think that it's important that I record how I feel, because it will help me keep things straight in my head, and it will help me make the right decision for me-- whatever that might be.

It all started because he wanted to read me something from his "journal" and didn't want me to lean on him while he read, so that I couldn't see the pages. Either he doesn't trust me or he wrote more negative things. I hope that he's learned a lesson-- one that I've always known... Never put ANYTHING in writing ANYWHERE if you don't want it to come back to you.

Until the day that I die, I will never forget the things he wrote in that journal. I am trying my best to forgive him... to contextualize those things and to move on from the whole thing, but those words are burned into my soul. They are a part of me now. Reading those words-- especially what he said about his Aunt and about the difference between bringing me "home" and bringing GoldenFinch "home" and his little list of who he'd like to fuck... it has changed me forever. He was right that night-- I don't know him. I really honestly feel like I don't know him at all and I certainly don't trust him. HE has betrayed that trust one too many times.

I was beginning to feel like myself again while he was gone. I only feel like the girl he sees me as when he's with me. I think I have made it very clear to him, and I am very proud of myself.

I will NOT be treated that way, written about that way or thought about that way. I WILL NOT. I feel like a much meaner person, but much stronger.

MY HEART IS HARD.

He doesn't know me like this and I think that he's in for a big surprise. I am a different girl now and I won't play these games anymore. I am solving our problems by breaking the cycle. It's "shape up or ship out."

And now I have a fever again. And no circulation in my left arm. I am starving myself into sickness. And he still can't think that I'm beautiful. Did he fuck me like that last night because I'm me? Or was it just because he hasn't had any sex in three weeks? Or was it because I seemed different and new, so he could pretend he was fucking somebody else? Maybe one of the girls on his "most-fuckable" list...

But no-- I could never pass for them. I am sick of being belittled by him. Who the fuck does he think he is, anyway? I mean, he doesn't know... he doesn't know... I just saw the Stallion and the Stallion wanted me...

Hold on. He's here and wants to talk.