Fear and Ecstasy

Today is my B's first day of teaching and I am a fool for still acting like this. I love him, but I shouldn't, but I like loving him, but my arm is cut up so badly. Sometimes I feel like I am really going crazy. I just can't move... I can't even see or breathe... I mean, I see, but my sight is frozen. The whole world is caught in a freeze frame. And i feel like I am lying beneath a thin veil of water... colors and shapes can pass through, but that's all that they are-- just meaningless, hazy forms.

Then, I just can't pull myself out of it and I get the chills and start shuddering and I feel my jaw shaking and all I can think is that my B just can't leave me because I love him and nothing else makes any sense. No other reality is within the grasp of my brain and that is when I start to freak out.

Ate dinner at BigSis and Bro-in-Law's last night. BigSis and I made chicken fajitas. Liu was here this weekend. Venue, Pyramid and Limelight. In Pyramid I had the high of my life. I have to remember which one it was. But you can't do that stuff alone... It would be so terribly lonely.

BigSis and I also got manicures and pedicures yesterday.

I am really bored at work today. There is not much to do. I really wish I could just take a nap. (It reminds me of that "Seinfeld" episode when George builds a little bed under his desk...)