Death Wish

Sick with a sore throat and feeling ugly and horrible-- like I want to die, die, die and waiting for this feeling to pass. (I know it will, but it feels like HELL right now.)

B is here and I don't want him to look at me... I don't want to be in my body... I want to burn, melt away into a raw redness, scarring and disfiguring my thighs and hips and arms. I want to die that mangled death again and again and my car-crash fantasy comes spinning back before my eyes.

I don't want to be here. I feel disgusting and loathsome and horrible.

How must I look to him? Why is he even here with me? Why doesn't he just lose himself in his fucked up fantasies forever and stop torturing me with the mixed messages? He says he "loves me." That's why he's here... But I now that he hates me... HATES me! Finds me disgusting. Why does he keep sleeping with me? Why am I good enough to fuck but not good enough for the security?

It can't be true. It can't be true.

Then why is he here?

I want to curl up and disappear... Melt into air... Sink into earth... Float into sea and let the sweet air slip away.

I am tired. And whether or not he is with me, I hate myself all the time. I feel self-conscious and horrible and ugly everywhere I go. I want to go where there are no judgements.

Void.

Nothingness.

Freedom from this hell.