Inadequate

All of this with Nanny is such a whirlwind... I just pray that I will see her as herself again-- she is such a sparkling person and I love that my mom said that she smiled a few times today.

As for things with B, I don't know how this is all going to work out. I can't stand the fact that he still checks out other women and compares me to them. It makes me want to vomit and die. I just can't handle the thought. I am really glad that we kind of talked about all of the sexual stuff though. I don't' feel as rejected by him, but part of me still feels weird and uneasy, no matter how much I did miss the sex. I feel embarrassed and ashamed in front of him and wonder if it will ever go away.

But I love him so much.

But then I think about what Dr. G. said: "He took away your self-esteem, your joy in sexuality and your general joy in loving-- What do you think love IS?"

What do I think love is?

Am I just "in love with love," the same way GoldenFinch is, in a slightly different manifestation? I have always felt like I have so much love to give-- but was it so much (and so stifling) that I just poured it all onto the first person who would accept it? Think about it-- isn't that what you did with AIR7 too?

Well... Maybe I did do that... the same way he fucked me just to have sex and I was available. But I love him now. I fell in love at some point and that is that. (Or is it?)

I just can't stand, can't put up with anymore that he compares me to other girls. I don't want it and this whole song and dance is very tiring...

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with someone else-- someone who would love me-- everything about me-- appreciate me... want to be with me... Someone who would be making no compromises to be with me. Someone who would treasure me. Someone who wouldn't be disappointed in me.

I wonder, sometimes, if I should leave B in spite of how much I desperately love him.

I wonder if I will ever feel special and accepted and desired in my whole life. How can I give up B for the mere "possibility" of someone else? I don't know...

I wish I were better so he would be proud of me. I can't stand how my heart is breaking... I just can't do this. I hate myself. I hate everything about me and sometimes it requires all of my effort not to lash out at it and cu myself, burn myself, tear up my body. But I know that would only scar me and make me uglier still. I want to stop eating. I want to just drink diet soda all day until I'm sick.

I want B to be proud of me.

How could I ever live a life with him? Be pregnant? Age? I will always feel inadequate. That' s exactly how I feel... How I felt with him at Senior Ball-- ugly and inadequate. I never want to get dressed up again... The feeling rushes back to me every time I think about it. Never, never, never, never, never, never, NEVER!

Sometimes I just want everything to end.

I want to go away forever.