Love is Not Enough

Reading back on this now only makes things seem so much more pathetic. All of this patience and all of the breakthroughs, but nothing has changed at all.

Talked with Dr. G. this morning and it was really good. I have to stop worrying about what B is thinking and feeling as the barometer of this relationship, and I have to start measuring it only by what I am thinking and feeling. I mean-- if he wants me more than ever, if I feel unattractive with him then it won't work. And even if I feel great, but he is thinking bad things about me, who gives a shit what he thinks? I feel great!

The thing is-- right now I am devastated by what I read in his journal and I feel suicidally self-loathing. If it stays this way, I am resolved to end this thing once and for all. Reading back this journal only reinforces that. He may be getting better, but I am not. No-- I can't control his thoughts, but if he wants to be with me, he has to make me feel like number one.

I mean, there are smarter people, funnier people, wealthier people, more focused people, more talented people and prettier people out there. I'm not asking him to deny that. But it's like with singing-- he is proud of me and loves my voice even if it's not the "best." And that's what we have to come to here.

I think I need to give our relationship a trial period when he gets back and then write him a letter that he can take to his therapist that makes it very clear. I think the reason he feels "controlled" is because I have been using him as a barometer.

And Liu's email was so wonderful! I really wished that she lived here. I love her so much that I want to pick up and move to Colorado right now. Life would be unbearably lonely without B, but I would have my self-esteem and sense of self back.

Now is the time.

I am ready to split from him if he doesn't appreciate me, if he isn't proud of me and if I am in any way inadequate. Yes, I love him, but I think I have finally learned my lesson...

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.