Post-College Pick-Up

Another half-hearted attempt (But this time, more suitable I think). Maroon and blue leather and weathered (but still shining). I hope someone shows up to pick me up. It would be really annoying to waste money on a taxi from Manhasset.

Caramel. in the back of my throat, and I wonder when I will ever be ready. I'm disappointed about all the time I wasted drying my hair this morning-- defeated (once again) by humidity. (At least there's still the charm of the Beatles above my swelling black shirt).

Went on a tour of the Westside YMCA this morning. It looked great, but overwhelming. I wish I had the money for a trainer or something... I feel like I really need the structure, but I will have to try my best without it.

I went to visit B today (at JJ) but he wasn't there. Although I really don't want him to leave in July, I think that it's better for both of us to be alone for a while. We tend to get way too co-dependent. I wonder if I'll have anyone to go out with, though. That part of it is really stressing me (oh God, those hands squeezing my waist!). It was so good and so hot but only a flash in my mind. I feel kind of awkward and self-conscious writing about that stuff, but whatever... I'll get over it.

(Eleanor Rigby... Father MacKenzie)

I signed up for those classes at Copper Union yesterday... I am most excited for the vocal chanting one, but the tabla and sitar should be fun too... Speaking of which, I have to remember to get that fucking guitar fixed.

(Make love all day long, Make love singing songs... WAY too sixties!)

I emailed Natasha today and she seemed enthusiastic about hanging out. I miss the whole choir social thing. I really miss Liu. Isn't it weird how stuff like that happens? A year ago we were barely friends, and even when she was here, I rarely spoke to her outside of choir, but it's like-- just knowing that she was there made me feel better.

I don't know... I feel like I'm going through a weird time right now. (Those strange dreams about AIR7). It's clearly one of those transition moments, but I just really don't like it. I feel like everything I had been holding on to so tightly has just slipped away and I realize that it was never there to being with.

(Waiting to take you away...)

All that's left is the truth that I had so zealously obscured for the past three years. And I don't want it to be over. But it's like doing that stuff for another bad trip... What's the point?

And what is there to drinking alone?

But there's just not enough excitement--- I mean the dangerous kind... the thrill of "fucking in the alley" kind. (Or the back of a club!). Well, actually-- last night in the tub was like that. And I know that it's not as much about "excitement" as it is about feeling sexy. If I'm out dancing or flirting or drinking, I get filled with that feeling. With B, I don't feel that energy from him and I want that feeling.

I guess it's back to square 1 and the YMCA. I love him so much in every way imaginable and I never would have believed I could be so happy or so lucky, but there is that one tiny little thing that I'm missing. It's not him... It's how I feel about myself... but those moments when he gives it to me (like that time in XandO, the other day when I was sitting at the computer, etc), THAT'S when I feel like the person I want to be.

I know if I said that to anyone, it would sound kind of shallow and ridiculous, but all of the holes in my soul have to do with sexual self-esteem-- no in terms of what I want and what I can do, but how desirable I am. Regardless... It is what it is and I can't change him. I can only change myself.

I guess that leaves becoming someone that will drive him to happiness. I have to work really hard. Anyway, I think I'll stop for now. This pen is going to run out soon anyway...