The Breakup (sort of)

Anyway, we have broken up, but I am not afraid. It is really strange, but in some way I know that we are going to end up together because it is meant to be. I feel it and maybe I am being foolish, but I have never been more sure of anything... And even if we are apart and even if he's on the other side of the world, I feel connected to him. He is my second half.

And talking to GoldenFinch, I think I have put my finger on what this is all about... It's the way we got together. We slept with each other when we were drunk... It was a classic textbook case of "10 at 2:00 and 2 at 10:00." At my point in life, I didn't' want or need a 10... I wanted a friend-- trust, stability, and real love and kindness. He, on the other hand, ended up in a relationship that started by accident-- there was no spark, no initial attraction-- and he has spent all of this time trying to reconcile that. It is a very weird situation...

Most one-night stands, if between strangers, only develop into more if that spark is there. Or they end. But because we were friends, we were able to fall in love without it. That spark was not there either. B is not my physical ideal... But he point is that whether or not he "would have" slept with me, he did sleep with me. And the love that developed out of our friendship was worth more to me than a fluttering heart. That I am not worth it to him, despite how much I know he loves me is where he disgusts me.

He also has to realize that there are no ideal relationships. I have made a hundred thousand compromises for him. He doesn't like to go out...

I recognize and accept these not as compromising the relationship or settling, but part of what makes him the person that I love. He sees my flaws as barriers, though. And it proves that the flaws are stronger than the love and that is why I left. We will never have that "crush" dynamic-- that ethereal and nervous beginning. We started with the quiet... with the solid. If that excitement, that prize of winning something desired is so important to him, he will never find his way home to me.

HE has to think about what kind of love he wants. Ours will never have that kind of excitement. And i have to admit... I am sick of it, feel like I've grown out of it, in a way, and to me, what was refreshing is to him problematic.

On another note, GoldenFinch paid me a beautiful compliment today. She told me that I am an "exquisite person" and that everyone who is close to me... who I choose to take in as my friend is forced to really look at who they are and strip back the layers to be the real person that they are at the bottom. She told me that the standard I set for love, friendship, kindness and justice are so high and so true that people whose lives touch mine look at themselves and their lives in the light of those truths. And that is a gift that I give to my friends.

I feel really honored she said that...

At the Bottom

I have completely lost everything... My B says that he does not love me... And God! How I love him! And I would do anything for him. What is life about? What am I doing? He has told me that I am too horrid for him and I believe him... I can't be have sex with him anymore. I feel like shit... I hate getting dressed, sitting down, standing up, being touched, being sexual at all.

I slashed my arm in between classes today because I ate some grilled cheese.

And I know that all of this is crazy, but the feeling is there... the desperation and absolute self-disgust, loathing and revulsion and I wonder if it will every go away.

I hate myself. I don't want to have a body... I don't want to exist physically at all. I just want to die and disappear.

And I am struggling so fucking hard to be okay... hang on to the remnants of who I am... desperate to hear that he loves me, that he wants me, that I am brave, that I can...

And he tells me that he doubts. I know that he has always doubted. And it makes me angry and tortuously miserable at the same time. He doesn't know if he loves me!!! He is my B! This can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be happening! I LOVE him! And I will never see or understand why I am not good enough to be love.d The only thing I can see that's wrong is what he has told me... And I must be at fault. I must be at fault for all of this. Unlovable.

I want to suffer. I want to bleed...choke... I want my heart to beat itself to death... My lungs to freeze... My fingers to fall off.... My thighs to burn! I want it. I want it! I want it!

And yet, I'm afraid that the more scars I give myself, the worse I'm going to look, and I only want for him to want me.

And he told me to leave him... that I will be happier without him. And maybe I would have been happier if we had never been together. But I LOVE him now and I don't' think he can understand the strength of that love... It has become the core of who I am and I can not give it up just because he says that he can't make me happy. This is my everything.

I'll do anything to be good. I just want to make him happy. I want to be good if only I can have another chance.

I have to pray.

Stopping

B is back and things were great, only it's just two days in and he's really sick and I had a bad dream about being raped and he is crying about everything and can't afford to go to a doctor and I really feel like I need to scream, Scream, SCREAM and don't think that I can do this...

I feel like I am choking and that there's no way out and I just want all of this to STOP!!!

I have school in two days and nothing is done and my throat hurts and I'm nauseated and tired, tired, tired.

God! When will it all stop?!?

The wink

How proud I was of him singing in his concert! He winked at me and missed his entry... So cute!

My Funny Valentine

In Florida, wishing the soaps were on, but news coverage interrupting about the protests around returning that little boy to his father in Cuba.

I told B about New Year's Eve-- the truth-- and I had to. I think I really hurt him and he says he forgives me, but I can only hope that he can really understand... that this is all about what he said to me... how that devastated me... and still does.

I haven't really been able to eat or sleep very much and while I knwo that I don't want to break up with him, it scares me how much all of this still hurts...

I struggle with all of my might against the urge to die at every moment... except for the pounding blur of color and night and power and confidence and pride (perhaps too much) and immortality that I had that night. Thank God for drugs. And my every wish and every dream is to find that experience with B, but he can not give that to me. He can not. And maybe I am foolish for ever having thought that he could.

And I love him SO much. More than I can explain. And I know that he loves me in the same way. But, I wonder if this damage can ever be undone... And I know that I just have to see him. And at least, then, we can begin. But now it is all in the abstract.

My Funny Valentine.

New Year's Eve

So, another New Year... and New Year's Eve was CRAZY!! (On the LIRR. Going to see "The Green Mile" today with my mom and M). And the Ecstasy and the Coke and the dancing... Kissing... three of them... and Liu... and flashes of light and sweat and POWER and midnight-- when B asked me to marry him.

And then, those very words taken back in the bleeding hell of the next morning... And I LOVE HIM, but all of this hurts too much...

He has to "go slow" for his parents, and that's fine, because that's what I would have said, but how can you propose to someone and then take it back? It's as if it meant nothing.

I feel like shit again. And maybe it's better to feel sweat, color and desire... the beauty of the drugs... I won't forget it for a long time, although I was never so relieved as when they wore off... And glad that I will never see those two again.

And I told him what was in my head... and my soul... her body and mine... Fuck him!! FUCK HIM! I don't think I can take three more weeks of this... A huge part of me just wants this hell to be over.

(But what about LOVE, Hyde? He is your heart, your soul, your life, your future!!!)

Yeah? What about it?

To Florida tomorrow. I have to think.

HAPPY 2000!