Drugs are Empowering

Wanting my power back...

"Forget regret" "No Day but Today" Right?

Power, Power, Power in Powder
And smoke, flashes of strength, pounding hearts, thick eyes, tight shirts, and freedom from self and from his stupid ideals.

I want to be on top of the world again, against the pavement until death...

No more weakness.
No more wishing.

Only getting everything I want, whenever I want it and from whomever I want it!!!

Watching the Christmas Lights

Sitting on the steps, showered and alone and staring into the rainbow starlight that I did not give him and could not share. And while part of me feels safer, my miracle and the secret pleasure of this annual beauty has lost some of what it used to make me dream... It is BEAUTY and not something to be given. That I couldn't give it to him means that I didn't (don't) trust him and how can that be the fullest love?

And without the fullest, truest love, how can I be full? There is always something MORE.

And why did he so readily say to "keep it for myself?" Is he not ready to share?

And so alone in other Christmas house, the rounded tree, the warmth of the parlour... even the cool wooden slats are smeared with the dull reflection of color-- impressionist stripes... and of course... my starlight. (The wind chimes faintly sing).

And I have moved to the couch where a golden reindeer stands through the glass-- visible and invisible against the waving of the flag... glowing kisses... pure beauty because it is pure color and light.

And all I have ever wanted my life to be is that color and light...Whether it is the crystal sun shining into the Hudson, or a shimmering pane of stained glass casting quivering gelatin shadows, or the simple glow of a colored light bulb reflected into the window and the night and the mirrored walls of the china cabinet.

But I can't shake this self-loathing... this choking that dulls every star... this trapped ache. And God, how I want to slice myself... cut myself open and free my soul from here... from this disgusting grounding form... And all I see are his eyes straining to stay fixed on the monitor... and that "luscious" girl.

He said that he wants to shower me with love... but what if I don't believe in love anymore? I mean, I still love him, but I really feel like I have lost an innocence and hopefulness that will never return. I don't know if it is so bad that I can't adjust, but I will never be free of myself again and I hate him for that. I feel disgusting... I have no dignity... raped...

And I know that he's sorry, but what good does it do to be sorry that you ate from the tree? Paradise is Lost (not to sound too ridiculous), but it is!

The lights have lost their sparkle because my dreams have... and I choke, choke, choke... empty inside once more.

And so... although the beauty is there, it is muted behind veils of anguish and LOATHING and despite his effort not to "take" the sanctity of my Christmas lights away from me, he has...

Rape steals all beauty from the world and buries it in the flesh which I long to burn away, slice away... the flesh that I ache to vomit up all the time... each time I eat.. more and more.

And I am trying so hard to be strong... to keep perspective, but for what? I have perspective! He said hateful things and so I hate... He said loathsome things and so I loathe! He compared me to them and now I do the same... every minute and hour of the day...

...and he has put me here. And it will kill my spirit. And no matter what facade I can muster up with my strength, my soul dis being gnawed away at every day... and my colored lights will forever be past my fingertips-- nothing is sacred. I have been raped of all beauty.

Dying on the Inside

The past week has been as bad as any that I can remember... And I hate him for taking away my trust and self-respect and leaving me in this inescapable hell. That girl in the computer lab...
...I have thrown up without stopping and I really think I should have left him, but I love him so much that I can't. But, I know this pain will never heal. I hate him! I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE him!!! And I wish I were dead and that he were dead and that I could see that girl scarred and mutilated and disfigured and suffering and I would laugh and spit on her.

What am I saying? Who have I become? I don't know what happened to the old me... The one with the soft-hearted compassion... But I know that a large part of me has been exterminated. I don't care about anyone anymore... He humiliates me. I have no more dignity, self-respect, sense-of self, trust, hopes or dreams...

Fuck him!

And I love him, love, love, love, love, love, love, love him with all of my soul until death. I love him beyond words or emotion. We are soul mates... I know it.

And so, it is hopeless. And once again, I can only wish to die...

I will never be happy again. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!

I want to scream and I can't. I want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!

********************************

Later, and in the Post Office... On line for money-orders for B's grad school applications. The line is taking forever and my back hurts and all I want to do is cry and get rid of this well of pain pounding down on my chest. I feel so numb and my eyes can hardly focus on anything anymore... The background. And everyone around me blurs and I can't focus enough to do anything about it, can't think clearly, can't see... Only that girl and my pain and the dull fluorescent lighting of the computer lab.

I hate her, hate her, HATE her!

And it scares me how much hate I am filled with... Almost as much hatred as I have love for B.

Waves

This week is just not letting up, and i am digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. On the M-11, on the way to the music library... And B stayed back to sleep and I really can't blame him.

And fucking choir caroling tonight and it's really pissing me off.

Anyway, on Monday it will be done. Then three beautiful days of sweetness in the city before home for Christmas Eve.

I talked to VJ last night and she said that she's okay. She's coming back to campus next semester. I think she misses spending time with me and I genuinely do have fun hanging out with her... She's right... We used to be like "Amac and AIR7" with each other.

I had lunch with GoldenFinch yesterday at the West End. It was so nice. We talked about "Tolstoy-ism," the future of music theory, the existence of God and modern art. Her piece was performed at the undergrad composers concert last night-- "Waves." The whole concert was phenomenal. I also heard a string quartet by NiS. It all made me miss composing so badly and I felt almost sick about it. I was SO proud of GoldenFinch though... She truly is a best friend.

I am resolved to learn FINALE and then to write over the break. I have to get my computer fixed. Maybe I will bring it in somewhere right after finals. I want to write myself and aria... Maybe that beautiful poem in B's book... And one for my mom to her Alice Walker poem.

Must get off the bus!

My 21st Birthday

Well, thank god for compassion because he promises that he understands and that it's different... and that he has opened his eyes and grown up and let go... And he loves me as much as I love him!!!

Yesterday was my birthday and it started off crappy because at midnight I wanted to go to XandO for smores and they were closed. Then he fell asleep while I was stuck doing "chromatic" homework and I had really wanted to be warm and cozy and talk. Then I had to wake up early to do an unspeakable amount of work-- the Tolstoy paper, the Vermeer paper and more Chromatic. But things looked up because he gave me the most beautiful snow globe that plays "Winter Wonderland" and sparkles with snow and opalescent glitter. Inside is Old Man Winter and a bluebird and all around the fringes is a forest. He also gave me a necklace-- to make me feel like "a princess" all day long. It is the most beautiful ever-- sapphire and diamonds-- and I never imagined such a gift from anyone!

Then the day was mired with work, but we did go to XandO and at 8:00 PM we met friends at Henry's for dinner and drinks. After that, we went to SoHa and they didn't even bother to card this time! I got pretty drunk, but it was all fun.

Anyway, today it's back to work. Finals are absolute hell this year, but it will all be over a week from today. (That's kind of scary, considering I have to write a 20 page paper, a 10 page paper, take three exams which i am TOTALLY unprepared for in that time-- plus 10 pages in short papers for Blake).

Anyway, I am so in love in love in love that I don't care. I'm starting my diet again tomorrow... All right, must go to class soon...

Self-Hatred

It's been a long time since I've had to write, and blissfully happy... but my stupid, stupid fear gnawing at everything. That I will be abandoned...That, like he said, he will want someone else. And he says he does, but only in fantasy... And if it's dumb for me not to be able to accept that as "the nature of the beast," maybe I'm just dumb. It just feels disrespectful and unloving and most of all, unhappy. And it makes me feel so self-loathing and unattractive.

Ugh... I hate myself. I am a weak-willed piece of shit and I deserve to die for eating that rice today... oh yeah-- and that ice cream last night.

I don't want to stay this way. I am just a weak, loathsome, piece of garbage and I can't blame him for wanting to be with someone else... I wonder what he imagines. Like when Air7 told me he tries to picture what every girl looks like giving a blow-job. I guess I should shut up about it to him because he says he will never change.

But I will never be able to accept or reconcile this... I will wonder abut everyone that I see...And since I can't hate all women, I will only hate myself.