Indifferent Sex

So... the end of the month and exactly two months after this began with AIR7, we're still having sex... I guess it's not really that big a deal... I was the one who said it was okay because somehow it just seemed logical, despite how illogical this all is... But God, it was last night and this morning and it's 2:00 AM right now and I still ache. I bled too...

There's not really much more to say about it... I am supposed to be studying like crazy for my history midterm, but I can't...

I think I'm just going to go to sleep now so that I can wake up at 7:00 and study...

I wonder if this has changed me... I know that I wanted it and I don't regret it, bu If eel broken in a way... And as if there's less meaning the deeper I dig. I didn't end up going out with E-the-r on Saturday by the way...

I don't know about all this, though... I just want to be loved. I just want to be loved.

I Can't Write a Scream

And so, my words become fewer and fewer... My CD player keeps skipping and it's really pissing me off!

Anyway... Life is kind of the same. I slept up at AIR7's last night. It's like I don't even enjoy it anymore... I just love being held... I think that's what it's all for... Those few moments before and after and everything else melts away. I'm not even sure what the "everything else" is anymore.

Life is pretty boring otherwise... midterms are coming up and New Orleans in two weeks... I still feel really stressed about ChoirMan though, although I don't know why.

GoldenFinch and I went out with PZ on Wednesday (2/24) and saw him play at Birdland. It was fun.

God, though... all I feel is anxious and without a fucking cause! And I want my life to move and to go somewhere and then I realize that I just want to be held... I would throw it all away to be held... Because in those moments, I have it all back.

And then I wonder if I am just using AIR7, and if he's just using me and if it's okay that we're using each other.

It's 11:00 PM and I am supposed to go to 1020 with E-the-R later. But I am tired and have no money... We're back to that. I spent $72 on Wednesday, then gave KSing $20 to buy a little coke for me, then spent $8 on a taxi to AIR7's last night, plus food... I am way over this week. I suppose I should keep it at $20 max if I go. That should get me about four drinks.

I don't know... I just feel this well of... frustration and I don't know where it comes from or how to get rid of it.

There's really nothing to write... I can't write a scream. (Although I AM painting Treblinka).

Swallowing Villans and Lovers at Postcrypt

Should I be angry at myself for being so helplessly predictable and needing him so much to want me and to need me... For not having the strength to spit anymore...

Or should I accept that I am pathetic and desperately lonely to the point where it drives me to villains disguised as lovers... He loves me until he cums... but is that enough to sustain me? God...

And I'm at Postcrypt with B now, against the yellow and black velvet shadows and he only makes me realize what this weakness all ever was to begin with. The more I live the more I realize how everyone is "only human," the less I wish to be human and the less I am hopeful of what I once dreamed of. In fact, I hardly remember such a dream against the constraints of the world in which its conceiver exists...

And I am supposed to go to the movies with E-the-R tonight.

And I want to cry...and have it back... have my misery back... have myself back... ANYTHING besides this empty plastic and smiling isolation that only makes me want to stone another human being to death.

And I am sitting here with B, but we are both so alienated... from ourselves and from each other. And the tears have gelled, but they just won't drop... As most things won't until they are torn out.

But how does one save oneself when justice is already being administered? How can one swallow "deserve" and truck oneself into believing that he meant it and that those moments of short breathes and the heat of sleep were what's real... And somehow, then it is always reconstructed as my will... And in some warped way, it always is...

And he is right. I do bring this on myself... I ask for all of it and so I must swallow it in more ways that one... Brace myself against my will and swallow...

And finally, when there is a story, I am left completely dumbfounded, inarticulate and drowning in the words that are left unexpressed.

The Choreographed Charade

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

So... I guess things are okay, but still... they seem mostly dead. (How does it feel!)

And I am sitting in the Cathedral, burning with guilt and so ashamed, but I needed to try... And, of course, to buy. Does she understand? Will she?

On Friday I went to a strip club with E-the-R and then to 1020. He is really changing and I so know what it's like because I've been there... He is finding the space outside himself and even though it hurts, he is starting to fill it. I doubt that he knows the trip ahead of him. I have barely rounded the corner and already I am exhausted. (How does it feel!)

Went to a party at GoldenFinch's last night and hung out with B, whom I love more and move, even though he is turning into such a recluse... (I have no one to meet and your ancient empty streets too dead for dreaming!)

I was supposed to go up to AIR7's tonight, but he cancelled at the last minute... And I was supposed to go to the movies with E-the-R and Ray, but they cancelled... And I asked GoldenFinch if she wanted to go to the movies, but she said she doesn't have enough money, and so I am here...

I hate it lately, though... I have lost myself and I have lost my poetry and I suppose that it is all so much more healthy... But then, at moments like these... moments of emptiness, I really feel scared and dead and purposeless. It's like a vague colored confusion and a blank map. No place to go to and I'm not anyplace either. And it's at moments like these that I desperately want to be filled... with anything or anyone and so I spend money and hate myself, or I Spend six hours on the phone, only to hear the silence of my room even louder when I hang up, or I drink (well, actually no... I never feel the emptiness before that because that is an activity and I'm WITH someone). But you get the point (Mr Tambourine Man.)

I guess the aesthetic of isolation was not invented int he '90's as I had always so selfishly imagined.

And it's at moments like this when I all I want to do is scream and scream until my ears bleed and my throat cracks and I shatter this glass and all of these dancing figures in their choreographed charade.

But I can't...

And so the gulf of emptiness only widens... pressing my shoulder blades further and further apart with a cold, dull ache. And I desperately wonder "Who can I call?" "What can I do?" "Where should I go?" And the questions run faster and faster in ribbons crying "FILL IT! FILL IT! FILL IT!"

And I, at moments like these, try to remember when I filled myself and how I managed it. But then I remember that I am spilled into seventeen different jars now and I can never poison myself again. I am "fixed" and linger... I'm not sad... Not at all... There is no drama; no fear; no joy; no pain... There is only this empty purposelessness and a desperate need for activity to pull my mind back into their dance.

Wind the knob on my back and push me back out onto the stage...It has run out. Somehow I always slip out of them all the time.

Connection, connection.... (Alienation).

Feeling Betrayed

So, at least home is back... I ran away from school (for once!) on Thursday night. But, God! Do I feel betrayed by VJ! Even though I know that she doesn't know or understand anything that is going on, I at least expected her to have the faith in me that whatever she doesn't understand is just that... But for her to accuse me of faking problems for attention!

Maybe I am not "betrayed"... Maybe I never had her to begin with... But she had me!

And AIR7... Well, God, that's a whole other story. I really don't know what to think about him... Unless I just think what I thought six months ago... Fun without Faith.

I'm sitting outside Dodge right now (before "Modern") and my fingers are fucking frozen. It snowed madly last night when I came back from AIR7's and God, was it beautiful!

I really don't want to sign for this trip tomorrow and I wonder if I'm going to. Neither of them seemed so dead set on it, but they both seem to want to get it over with.

My mom thinks I should go to Law School and I'm starting to think that she's right-- that I'm great at arguing and remembering fact by fact, detail by detail what I need to in order to pull someone else apart. I just never thought about getting paid for it!

Ode to GoldenFinch

"You carried the weight of my soul on the corners of your smile."

AIR-7 Plays Mind Games

God, it's only a few weeks later and so much has happened. Obviously there is no point in writing it all down here.

AIR7 decided that after I went out drinking with GoldenFinch and called him drunk, that I was "too much to handle" and that was the end of our romance. I went berserk and cried for three days. Then I went up there for him to "hold me" and make me feel better and I ended up giving him a blow job, after which he rolled over and said that he felt bad about it because we are supposed to be just friends and he didn't want to be near me. I cried, felt like shit and got up to leave twice, only for him to tell me that he loves me, convince me to stay and then kick me out at 8:00 AM.

Then, the next day (after ice skating with GoldenFinch) I went to the movies with him and VJ and both of them had on an "aren't I charming and entertaining in public" act and I felt even more like shit. (That was Friday).

I slept all day on Saturday and then on Sunday I went home for C's baptism (which AIR7 was originally going to attend with me). Anyway, it was Superbowl Sunday (The Broncos won) and I went uptown to watch the end of the game with him and Scheisser. We had a great time and all was well again (except for the weird sexual tension).

AIR7 mentioned that he had called my mom to ask her what to wear to the christening. I mentioned it to her last night and she said the he had never called her. (And I believe her!) When I confronted him, he insisted that he had called, told me that she was lying and that everyone in my family lies to each other. I asked why she would do that and he said that may she was uncomfortable because she brought up "my drug and alcohol problem," asking him for advice. (Another lie!)

Then he said that he knew a lot of stuff that I didn't, about what my mom knows, what my sister knows, etc. When I said that was ridiculous, eh said that a lot happened when I was drunk that I didn't remember and that I told my mom stuff (also untrue).

When I asked him what he knew, he wouldn't tell me, and claimed that because I wouldn't tell him what I talked about with Dr. G today, he didn't have to tell me everything either. (Which once again is ridiculous!)

Why is he playing these mind games with me?!?!

Anyway, I called my mom and asked her about everything again and she insisted that she knows nothing else, that BigSis knows nothing else and that AIR7 is lying.

If that is the case, he is a fucking bastard and he has been manipulating me for months. When I pointed out how he lied to Brandi on New Year's, saying how she embarrassed him by coming onto Alan (when she didn't), he said "how would you know... you don't remember; you were passed out on the floor!"

"I remember you telling me that you lied to her when I was in Florida," I said.

He didn't like that.

Whatever... I have learned a lesson and Amac was right twice... She was right about Scheisser and she was right about AIR7.

Anyway, I was telling VJ the story.

"Why do you tell everyone you have a drug and alcohol problem?" she asked.

"What?" I asked her.

"Never mind," she said.

Ugh! That pisses me off so much. She thinks that I am pretending I have a problem to get attention. Well, she and AIR7 can both take their craziness and stay the fuck away from me.

By the way--things are good between me and my mom again. It will take a lot more than this to tear us apart!!!