Sick Optimism

I wonder if things have EVER been this bad (although I know that they have). I'm sitting here on Riverside and the sun is dripping in streaks of gold and blinding orange (too full to see) and the silhouettes of the leaves form a gentle mesh against the sky, sighing and crumbling, in death, to cushion the sidewalk. (Fly away forever, angels. Spread your wings). My hair rests on my shoulders like red-golden straw...

But I want to die when I think about what I have to confront tonight (moonlight on your bed) and I don't' want to be friends anymore... I want ti to be all over (I can find no air. I can find no peace). My dreams are clouded and fragmented. (I can not see the leaves, I can not see the light...)

But life will go on... This time I know it will... That, you can count on.

******************************

Okay... ten minutes later and in Pertutti with a headache and Judy Collins. (The familiar waiter.) And I know that I have grown because all of this makes me unhappy tonight. I will just walk away (But God, I'm scared!). (Far away child...) And I wonder what will be... obviously they will never be the same, but better or worse? (They just dimmed the lights).

It is the most beautiful day out today, though... I want to make a trip down to Patelson's before my voice lesson on Friday, but I wonder if I'll have time.

My tea is here, so I'll close for now.

******************************

anticipation, anticipation, anticipation at 8:32 PM!