Running on "Empty"

From scarped cliff and Quarried stone she cries, "A thousand types are gone: I care for nothing. All shall go." --Tennyson

God, now I really haven't written in her in forever. So much, so much is happening and it is all so markedly different than before. There is a weird lack of emotion at anything that is happening. And oh God, the crush thing has come back as horrible as ever, only this time laced with more of a false reality. Things have so changed though...

I don't THINK anymore. The weights have all gone. It's like-- finally it was enough that I couldn't take it and my mind erased all of it. And I am starting to realize that more people like me than I think.

I have been hanging out with AIR7 and Scheisser a lot lately. It's making a lot of conflict with Amac, BigSis, etc. I think that VJ is kind of weirded out that I'm hanging out with Scheisser too, but I'm having fun and it's really frustrating that I have to tip-toe around all of these other weird relationships.

AIR7 has seen my crazy side (wild, I mean) too, and I'm hoping that I can trust him with it.

I sleep over there a lot-- "the bachelor pad," and it sucks that I just can't be myself and have fun. Everything is becoming more and more tangled as I have to keep track of who knows what, etc.

I had a super long talk with GoldenFinch today, though, and I think that things are okay. I feel really good about it, at least for now. SO things seem to be going okay...

It's so weird for me, though, to be so "empty" like this. I feel like all of my thoughts are almost petty and not worth writing down because they don't carry the weight of my life. It's like I've said before-- freedom from suffocation is not the sweet taste of the air. It is the absence of the choke. It is absence of pain, not joy...

And to be so without extremity is unfamiliar...