Summer Fling

Things are so strange... I feel like I don't remember the last time I wrote.

I had coffee with Hammer today after our study group's meeting with ProfFascism and she told me that ProfPP is getting a divorce. Weird, right?

Anyway, I called Narc this morning and left a message on his machine asking him to go to the concert and told him to call me back today. He never called me back, so I just called him again (around 12:30) and he said that he has writing to do , so he has to "blow me off" because he's blowing off "all of his friends."

Well, I'm sure not all of his friends are "blowing" him, and for the first time, I'm starting to feel bad about this thing.

A week and a half ago (the day I went over there naked under my trench coat) and stayed over, I asked him why we don't do anything besides have sex.

"Well, wouldn't that mean we're in a relationship, then?" he said.

"Well, no. But, can't we just be friends?" I asked.

I mean, he called us "fuck buddies," but I told him that we're NOT "buddies." He told me that he doesn't want to fall in love with me.

The next day, I left (I had plans with B) and the day after that, Anxious, GoldenFinch and Contessa came over. Anxious and Buke broke up that same Friday. (The girls were here on Saturday). We got smashed together-- at least I did. I also smoked some weed. Then, later everyone wanted to go home (at around 2:00 am) but I still wanted to be out. I went to Cheers alone and ended up bringing some guy home. (All I remember about him was that I think he's from Ecuador.) I didn't sleep with him or anything. We tried to make out on the roof, but I kept falling down. The girls were really mad at me.

Tuesday I did coke all day again, even though I had promised to stop. I went to my study group in my pajamas totally crashing from an 8 hour high. I told them that it was my tonsillitis. They were all really concerned. (Especially EF!) They said that I looked like I was at death's door. By the end of that meeting, I really felt like I was!

Anyway, I sower that was the end, but ended up doing even more coke on Friday and coming down with I met B to go see Collateral. I told him it was my medication because I felt too embarrassed and guilty and ashamed to say I was high. I never lie to him, so I was sure he'd be able to see through it... Maybe he did, but he didn't say so.

It was raining that afternoon and B and I got into a fight while waiting for a table at the Gemini Diner. (See? Not much changes!)

Anyway, after that I had to go home and change for English's dressy "girl's night" party. I wore the chiffon beaded dress that I bought for my grandma's unveiling. After a little while at her place, we went to the bar at the Gramercy Hotel (me, BigSis, English, RGrub and his girlfriend). It was fun. I felt pretty. Afterwards, I didn't want to go home (already at that level of drunk!) so, I went to Cheers by myself. I bumped into JFig there... weird, right? She was with other friends though, so eventually she left with them.

After that, I called Narc. It must have been around 4:00 AM. He told me to come over, so I did. I brought some coke and a bottle of Jack with me and wore my beautiful dress. We had really good sex that night, finally falling asleep at around 9:00 AM.

The next day I woke up at around 1:00 PM and did some work, waiting for him to wake up. It seemed as if he never would, so around 3:30 or 4:00 PM, I packed my stuff to leave. He finally rolled out of bed to walk me to the door and started making out with me. So... I agreed to stay. We had sex again and I stayed to order dinner (Thai food). Then we watched some TV (Bill Mahr) and decided to go for a walk.

It was raining out, so we had to go back upstairs for umbrellas. We walked over to the water at Battery Park. The water was as black as ink and it looked like the water in the opening scene of The Little Mermaid.

Once back home, I fell asleep in his lap while watching Mrs. Doubtfire. The next day I had to leave to meet Contessa for lunch.

I felt so close to him that weekend. It's like I finally let my defenses collapse and took comfort in being near him. I know he sensed the shift. All of a sudden, I've lost my power. So, I thought maybe something was starting... I even felt safe for a little while... He made me feel safe! I thought he was maybe just scared to take things the next step. So, I asked him to the Ute Lemper concert. And not only did he not call me back all day, but when I finally did talk to him, he told me "no." And so once again, I feel the first pang on my heart. Why does everything always end up like this? No matter how hard I try to protect myself... no matter how tough I am... whenever I start to let my guard down, the pain flows in.

On top of that, there's B. B wants to break up with J tomorrow. I wonder if he actually will. He keeps calling me for reassurance, being needy and saying how "bad" he is and I am starting to feel resentful. He didn't want to hear it when I had the coke problem two weeks ago, and now he's coming to me. Who will ever be there to catch me when I fall? I feel so unsafe and so vulnerable. I want to call the drug-dealer back so badly, but know I have to wait until after my exam.

God... why couldn't Narc have said "yes" to tomorrow? He said he'd call me in a little while (as in when he feels like it) and once again, I find myself in a relationship completely on someone else's terms... I think I need to end this thing here, but somehow after this weekend, it already seems hard...

PS: I saw that I never wrote about my last night with the Stallion (August 1, 2004). It was SO fucking amazing... I passed out on the kitchen counter... the now infamous flashlight... and all the coke. I have the bruises though. He lied so many times about why he wasn't home and risked his relationship to stay the night with me. I want him back to fuck me again.