Becoming a Jeweler?

On the Long Island Rail Road on the way to LilSis' graduation. With B by my side. Last night was amazing again... just finished the jewelry class with Joyce Jonas. I absolutely loved it. I can really see that being something I could go into. But, I worry about money... I wonder about money... What roads can I walk on... But who do you even ask about these questions?

Secrets and Questions

It's frightening that my suicidal thoughts still happen.

I emailed Liu about the other night with GoldenFinch and I am so paranoid that he has my password and will find it. I should have erased it right then... I'll have to do it when I get home. And email Dr. G... God knows what I'll say to that. I just don't feel like talking to her this week. And last night... at least he was a little better about my sadness. i just wish I could control my moods better though.

All that stuff about the parade really scares me. I mean... I think I was getting a little better about not being afraid in elevators, etc. but the thought that these were normal guys... Not criminals and it escalated to that kind of violence makes me think that every man is capable of that stuff... all it takes is alcohol to release what is already there.

It's really frightening.

I have to remember to email VJ (or call). This is ridiculous... I haven't seen her since mid-May! (I think I'm gonna be late to my class.) All this stuff with choir is kind of weird too... I feel very out of the loop, but at the same time, I don't want to be in it. I wander what did happen with ChoirMan. Maybe Lewser knows something... I can't see how they could have completely ignored the sexual harassment issue, but if they did recognize it and bring it up, how could they have not fired him? Anyway... that's all for now.

What a Shame

Father's Day. And on the LIRR. Back to the city with B.

I feel very sad... A blackness pressing on my chest and smothering me. He said yesterday in the car when I was talking that he was thinking "Oh God, just shut up... I can't take any more of this noise!" That makes me feel very bad.

And what Nanny said today too... I feel like I shame... What a shame... It's too bad, because I could have been...

I am a shame and I hate, hate, HATE myself. I wish I weren't' here anymore and I want to die. Close my eyes forever.

Tootsie's Sweet 16.

In IRS class. I hope it's not a problem to leave early today. And I hope that exchanging B's pants doesn't cause a problem either. He has been so moody and cranky since yesterday. I hope he comes out of it soon.

It is so humid today that I know my hair will be ruined by Tootsie's party tonight. The lights in this room are dull fluorescent and it feels as if there is a huge gray cloud casting its shadow across the cold tile floor. My eyes grow heavy. (But please, no drill!!!)

Bon Jovi

Things are so much better, and all it took was a talk... It turns out he is missing that too... And it was amazing last night. Who knew that it could be that good? Heading down to class on the M3. Just saw Bon Jovi live at Rockefeller Center. God, do I feel better!

Wanting a Drink on the Sixth Avenue Bus

Later still...

How can these circles ring round and round endlessly? In the same place... Desperately alone, clinging to the edge of the night... needing the roughness of the surface, but without the key... turned around at the door. All I needed form him was one walk.

(She's got a bluesy feeling in her eye and it's making a sigh).

Or, maybe a drink...

Some laughter mixed with night and the feeling of heat, attraction, freedom. I should have pierced my ear... gotten that tattoo. Maybe I will.

Mark into the room exiled smiles with the drilling taste of heavy smoke in my mouth. If I were alone, Id' go home and get drunk tonight... drunk into oblivion. But I know he'd worry. So, it's home on the bus to stale eyes. He'll know something's wrong and get upset and then I cry. (I feel it threatening in my throat now!)

But the truth is that there is nothing wrong except that I feel stifled and need something more... Something social. I only wish he could share that with me... That we could find it in each other. But at least tonight I should (have to hide) -- no more going out alone. It always ends in depression or sweat and danger... and I can't have that anymore because I love my B. That leaves depression and I might as well be depressed at home than alone and drunk.

(Past the Manhattan Mall)

I think I'm gonna cut my nails and learn the guitar.

The thickness of the smoke is dizzying me. (Through a hallucinated cocaine cloud.)

So, more later.

Tabla Song

Back on the train going the other way... I wonder if I'll ever be satisfied with that song. I've been having the urge to write, though. Maybe I'll figure out FINALE today. (Skip the rope, Look at me!). I just want to stay home today and compose... But what? What? WHAT???

Tootsie's Sweet 16 is on Saturday. I hope I don't feel shitty. I am so glad that I don't live at home. Everything is getting only more and more dysfunctional there.

I got my wet-grinder yesterday in class and I'm really excited about it. I hope that this is it for tools though! It really is getting kind of expensive.

I'm worried that I'm afraid to write because everything has to be "sophisticated" and have musical merit. I mean, I agree to an extent, but it's kind of crippling.

I really miss my B. I just want to be home right now getting "dib dib" all day and all night. (Curled up in the most wonderful kweba!) Maybe I'll go back to the Y tomorrow to sign up. I really want to find out about that program though.

(Although your mind's opaque, Try thinking more if it's just for your own sake)

I love this journal so much that I"m glad it's inspiring me to write again. Oh-- Into the tunnel.

So long for now!

****************************

Later....

And B told me this woman is the "lady of the lakes"

At Cooper Union-- Tabla aujourd'hui. I hope it's fun. It's so fucking humid out today and I had to trek through a 42nd street transfer. I wonder if we're going to get to learn to play or if we're just going to learn about playing...

The chairs in here are scalding plastic orange with brown attached desks... Whoever did the decorating must have done it in the seventies. One of the old women in this class has a really big mouth. I am finding her slightly offensive...

More later...

Post-College Pick-Up

Another half-hearted attempt (But this time, more suitable I think). Maroon and blue leather and weathered (but still shining). I hope someone shows up to pick me up. It would be really annoying to waste money on a taxi from Manhasset.

Caramel. in the back of my throat, and I wonder when I will ever be ready. I'm disappointed about all the time I wasted drying my hair this morning-- defeated (once again) by humidity. (At least there's still the charm of the Beatles above my swelling black shirt).

Went on a tour of the Westside YMCA this morning. It looked great, but overwhelming. I wish I had the money for a trainer or something... I feel like I really need the structure, but I will have to try my best without it.

I went to visit B today (at JJ) but he wasn't there. Although I really don't want him to leave in July, I think that it's better for both of us to be alone for a while. We tend to get way too co-dependent. I wonder if I'll have anyone to go out with, though. That part of it is really stressing me (oh God, those hands squeezing my waist!). It was so good and so hot but only a flash in my mind. I feel kind of awkward and self-conscious writing about that stuff, but whatever... I'll get over it.

(Eleanor Rigby... Father MacKenzie)

I signed up for those classes at Copper Union yesterday... I am most excited for the vocal chanting one, but the tabla and sitar should be fun too... Speaking of which, I have to remember to get that fucking guitar fixed.

(Make love all day long, Make love singing songs... WAY too sixties!)

I emailed Natasha today and she seemed enthusiastic about hanging out. I miss the whole choir social thing. I really miss Liu. Isn't it weird how stuff like that happens? A year ago we were barely friends, and even when she was here, I rarely spoke to her outside of choir, but it's like-- just knowing that she was there made me feel better.

I don't know... I feel like I'm going through a weird time right now. (Those strange dreams about AIR7). It's clearly one of those transition moments, but I just really don't like it. I feel like everything I had been holding on to so tightly has just slipped away and I realize that it was never there to being with.

(Waiting to take you away...)

All that's left is the truth that I had so zealously obscured for the past three years. And I don't want it to be over. But it's like doing that stuff for another bad trip... What's the point?

And what is there to drinking alone?

But there's just not enough excitement--- I mean the dangerous kind... the thrill of "fucking in the alley" kind. (Or the back of a club!). Well, actually-- last night in the tub was like that. And I know that it's not as much about "excitement" as it is about feeling sexy. If I'm out dancing or flirting or drinking, I get filled with that feeling. With B, I don't feel that energy from him and I want that feeling.

I guess it's back to square 1 and the YMCA. I love him so much in every way imaginable and I never would have believed I could be so happy or so lucky, but there is that one tiny little thing that I'm missing. It's not him... It's how I feel about myself... but those moments when he gives it to me (like that time in XandO, the other day when I was sitting at the computer, etc), THAT'S when I feel like the person I want to be.

I know if I said that to anyone, it would sound kind of shallow and ridiculous, but all of the holes in my soul have to do with sexual self-esteem-- no in terms of what I want and what I can do, but how desirable I am. Regardless... It is what it is and I can't change him. I can only change myself.

I guess that leaves becoming someone that will drive him to happiness. I have to work really hard. Anyway, I think I'll stop for now. This pen is going to run out soon anyway...