An Unsent Letter

Dear AIR7

I'm not really sure what my purpose is in writing this letter... I guess I am just writing because I have been feeling really bad lately. And if it goes unsaid, I will only begin to feel worse and worse...

You and I have a complicated relationship. Clearly we are more than "just friends," but on the other hand, we are just friends. I care about you very much and I know that you say you care about me. It is because I care about you so much and because of the nature of our relationship that spending time with you means a lot to me. You are a priority in my life, but lately I have felt like I"m not any kind of priority to you.

I completely understand that you are busy, that school is your first priority and that it's very time consuming. It leave you little time to hang out. But perhaps because of this, we always see to do things on your terms-- talking when you feel like it, seeing each other when it is your whim. Our whole relationship is founded exclusively on your terms.

Two weeks ago, I hadn't seen you for a whole week and really wanted to see you before I left for New Orleans. You said that you had no time, but then showed up at my suite on Friday, apparently with abundant time. Then, when I got back from New Orleans, after not having seen you for two weeks, you said that you missed me a lot, but then spent all evening hanging out with A and you said you were too tired to stay and talk to me. I guess you weren't that tired after all, though, because then you called me at 2:00 AM, still wide awake. Obviously it was not very important for you to see me or to make time to see me. As one of my best friends, that was very hurtful.

Also, because our relationship is so complicate,d there are other issues as well... I know that you want to be set up with A, and that's really great for you if it works out, but it is still a little difficult for me. You tell me that you love me all the time and although I know that you can see whomever you choose, it's hurtful to me that you choose someone who lives near me and that I must be confronted with it constantly. If you don't love me, don't tell me that you do; and if you don't miss me, don't tell me that you do. It is almost always that your words say one thing and your actions speak another.

Obviously, according to the agreed upon boundaries of our relationship, I don't have the right to demand your time or your love. I can not dictate your behavior. What I can do, however, is to remove myself from a situation which is causing me a lot of pain. I can not let myself love you when clearly, you do not feel the same way about me; and because I can not turn my emotions on and off at will, I may have to take other measures.

I'm not sure what that means... whether it means not seeing you or talking to you until I have cleared my head, or whether I will be able to find another way to deal with it in which our friendship can be preserved.

In that letter that I wrote you in January, I told you that i was making myself very vulnerable. A lot might have happened in the meanwhile, but nothing has changed in my heart. By now, though, all of this is causing me more grief than joy and it has to stop.

I don't expect anything from you now except understanding. Please understand that I will only do what I need to do and that I still love you very much. We will always be friends in my heart.

Lots of love,
Hyde