Flying to Rome

On the plane on the way to Rome (Frankfurt), whatever... and writing in the darkness. I can't sleep can't sleep even though it is Tuesday night and I've only slept three hours since Sunday...

Anyway, I feel this insane stressed clenching in my chest and I keep thinking about how B won't be here next year and how I need him so much and then dreams (or images) of graduation come and I picture the whole thing... Sitting there with choir and I am crying. And then I imagine all of the times hanging out in his room or talking for hours and how that is gone... And how KSing is gone and E-the-R is gone and Contessa is gone and PhysicsGuy is gone... I wonder what I'll do...

God, it's hot in here and I don't want to sleep and I don't want to think...

Ponziano Loverini
Gandino Bergamo

Dream-o-Meter: False Perception

B and I were travelling somewhere and in the airport there were free tickets to Greece because someone cancelled a flight. Anyway, we were on the plan and we had some stop-over in London and in the airport we saw the news and it was about trouble in Jerusalem and they showed Jaffa Gate and the street where the Christian Quarter switches to the Armenian Quarter.

Then, for some reason, we were there and I remember worrying that we didn't fill out visas or anything and hoping that our papers were in order. Anyway, the streets were pretty deserted because all of the "trouble" but I pointed out R's store. We started to walk towards it and I saw my dad walking towards me. He looked exactly like the last time we had been there. It startled me because he was exactly right and I never remember him so clearly. So, I almost believed it was him and I opened my mouth to say something and then he disappeared. I was glad I didn't embarrass myself in front of my friend.

At this point, the friend was no longer B, but I don't remember who it was. I think it was a girl.

We went inside the store and there were a bunch of men there. I said hi to him and introduced my friend (GoldenFinch?) to R, only the men started laughing and said "that's not R! That other guy is!" I looked at the one I said hi to and suddenly he didn't look like R. I looked at the guy they pointed to, but it was a weird looking guy in a baseball cap and i knew it wasn't him and I felt like they were making fun of me. I was really embarrassed.

Anyway, then R came in, but with LilSis, Aunt N and I think Jail and Jol. They sat down at a bog table to eat, that I hadn't noticed there before. My friend changed again, though now I think it was OperaGuy. Anyway, they were all shocked to see me and I explained how we ended up there because of the free tickets to Greece.

"Who would have known," I said, "that we'd all end up in Jerusalem for lunch today."

LilSis had on diamond and gold jewelry (a ring that was solid gold with many small pave diamonds and matching earrings.). Then my mom came in. She asked LilSis where she got such beautiful jewelry. LilSis said that Aunt B had given it to her for her birthday.

"I can't believe that Aunt B gave that to you for your birthday! How much did it cost???" etc. Aunt N exclaimed, flipping out.

Then, LilSis said that Nanny gave her ab rand new pink Cadillac.

"That's a lot more than the standard $100," I said.

"Oh, no... It only cost $1100 and she was doing me a favor. LilSis needs the car," my mom said.

Then it was time to go and I couldn't find OperaGuy.

"Where's OperaGuy?" I kept asking.

Then the fire drill woke me up.

Dream-o-Meter: With Child

I had a baby, but I had been carrying it for someone else. And then I went to some clothing store (a thrift shop) that my family owned an din the back room there were a bunch of people including Jen A and Christina M and I told them about it and showed them the sapphire and pearl jewelry that someone had given to me. And my stepfather had just gone to London and brought me back three quilted robes, but none of them fit me and it upset me. Also, I didn't want to give my baby away anymore and nobody there thought it was weird or a big deal that I had a baby and that they never knew I was pregnant. That upset me too.

An Unsent Letter

Dear AIR7

I'm not really sure what my purpose is in writing this letter... I guess I am just writing because I have been feeling really bad lately. And if it goes unsaid, I will only begin to feel worse and worse...

You and I have a complicated relationship. Clearly we are more than "just friends," but on the other hand, we are just friends. I care about you very much and I know that you say you care about me. It is because I care about you so much and because of the nature of our relationship that spending time with you means a lot to me. You are a priority in my life, but lately I have felt like I"m not any kind of priority to you.

I completely understand that you are busy, that school is your first priority and that it's very time consuming. It leave you little time to hang out. But perhaps because of this, we always see to do things on your terms-- talking when you feel like it, seeing each other when it is your whim. Our whole relationship is founded exclusively on your terms.

Two weeks ago, I hadn't seen you for a whole week and really wanted to see you before I left for New Orleans. You said that you had no time, but then showed up at my suite on Friday, apparently with abundant time. Then, when I got back from New Orleans, after not having seen you for two weeks, you said that you missed me a lot, but then spent all evening hanging out with A and you said you were too tired to stay and talk to me. I guess you weren't that tired after all, though, because then you called me at 2:00 AM, still wide awake. Obviously it was not very important for you to see me or to make time to see me. As one of my best friends, that was very hurtful.

Also, because our relationship is so complicate,d there are other issues as well... I know that you want to be set up with A, and that's really great for you if it works out, but it is still a little difficult for me. You tell me that you love me all the time and although I know that you can see whomever you choose, it's hurtful to me that you choose someone who lives near me and that I must be confronted with it constantly. If you don't love me, don't tell me that you do; and if you don't miss me, don't tell me that you do. It is almost always that your words say one thing and your actions speak another.

Obviously, according to the agreed upon boundaries of our relationship, I don't have the right to demand your time or your love. I can not dictate your behavior. What I can do, however, is to remove myself from a situation which is causing me a lot of pain. I can not let myself love you when clearly, you do not feel the same way about me; and because I can not turn my emotions on and off at will, I may have to take other measures.

I'm not sure what that means... whether it means not seeing you or talking to you until I have cleared my head, or whether I will be able to find another way to deal with it in which our friendship can be preserved.

In that letter that I wrote you in January, I told you that i was making myself very vulnerable. A lot might have happened in the meanwhile, but nothing has changed in my heart. By now, though, all of this is causing me more grief than joy and it has to stop.

I don't expect anything from you now except understanding. Please understand that I will only do what I need to do and that I still love you very much. We will always be friends in my heart.

Lots of love,
Hyde

Preservation Hall

Well... Everything is an experience... I am sitting her in the pit black shadows and cold aged wooden slats behind 50 trousers and flying carnival sounds with the yellow beams coming between their knees and I crouch in the corner.

(The ribbons have been blackened) And his white knee-socks are ash.

Preservation Hall-
On St. Peter's (between Bourbon & Royal)
9:45 (starts at 10)

Predictions! (The New Orleans Psychic)

Happy St. Pat's!!!

I just got my palm read twice. It was awesome!

1.) Long Life-- into my 90s and good health.

2.) Rough times until my late 20's when I Will make some kind of big decision (spurred by a failed intense romance). I will chose to live more practically, also career-wise... This never really satisfies me, though, and I struggle until around age 38-41 and then I'll attempt to get back in touch with who I was before and move into the arts.

3.) I will have success from that later in life-- wealth and a general satisfaction with my life.

4.) In terms of money-- I suck at managing it. I am driven by impulse and artistic love for beauty and I love "stuff," so I am constantly acting on those impulses and I don't strike it rich until much later.

5.) Relationships-- I crave attention and affection so much that I often let my relationships act as stressors for me. I am always a barometer of my relationships, soaring up and down with them and I make myself vulnerable romantically. It is very hard for me to find a soul mate because I am emotionally draining of those I am with. I come into a serious relationship in my late 30s and have affairs because I am never satisfied and always want more and more from life.

6.) I have a tendency to get tied up in the drama of my life which brings me down a lot. But I can make fun of it at the same time. My life is super difficult-- rocky and dramatic until that turning point i my late 20's/early 30's when it all turns around.

7.) I am not super attracted by the marriage/ family scene, but it's unclear if it will happen even though I can picture myself there. I may have one child, bu tit could also be an intensely close relationship with a friend or something.

8.) I will probably live in another country for a while two times. The first time-- in an effort to seek excitement and richness in life and escape myself. The second time-- alter-- in an attempt to find the destiny that I thought I should have, but haven't found yet.

9.) I always live my life trying to taste everything at the same time. This means I have many rich experiences but not the drive to follow through on long term goals without immediate gratification. I get bored easily.

The Punishment Begins

Sitting at the pool at the Holiday Inn. So far, this trip has been really fun, but kind of odd and I guess not really what I had expected. There is insane partying here, though. But night number one I ended up cutting myself and night number two, I got into a fight with ChoirMan.

But, it's all good... We have our first rehearsal tonight and I am looking forward to it even though I have absolutely no voice. (There are so many pens stuck in this fucking notebook!) Whatever... I guess life is pretty good...

Last night Tiffany told me that my sense of style is "a gift." It was really nice. I am going so fucking brain dead from the "renal shutdown" though. I think I'm going to draw instead of write for now...

****************************************

Later, and in the Red Fish Grill and I am more and more disgusted with people. BH made some really sickening comment about some girl in choir undressing who had a bad body and how she "didn't need to see it," how fat that girl was, etc. I can't believe how awful she is... I mean, the girl was not flaunting herself in public. She was just changing her clothes in the hostel!

And ChoirMan too... He is still pissed about us leaving last night, I'm sure. He made some comment just now that he has to go arrange "alternate plans" so that he doesn't get screwed over "like last night."

BH just came by here to kiss me goodbye...

Anyway... he has been ignoring me all day on purpose.

I want some fucking real people.

Isolating on St. Anne and Decatur

Fuck.

I don't remember anything except there's blood all over these pages and I really just want to be left alone.

New Orleans is really fun. Last night there were parades and lights and lots of drinks, only they're pretty strict on carding here. Anyway, the weather is perfect too. I'm sitting on the corner of St. Anne and Decatur right now and GoldenFinch, Contessa, Siobhan, Tiffany and Amy are in the park and GoldenFinch is making a huge deal about how I want to be left alone...

But I hate traveling in groups and didn't sleep enough and I"m starving. I really would just rather go off by myself.

A man across the street is playing Summertime, Danny Boy, Amazing Grace and Pink Panther on his trumpet in front of Cafe du Monde. It is really very beautiful. And Pippi Longstocking just crossed the street. And now there is a fat, sandy-haired man with '80's sunglasses and a thick moustache dressed in denim and carrying a banjo. He is gone.

Drunk and Sorry

(I couldn't bring myself to transcribe this one... )

Desperate for a "Geographic"

And so it goes... And I haven't written in almost a month (except for some Vermeer in between) and I am on the plane on my way to New Orleans, fending off a fever. (And my glowing Alexandra nail is smudged)... but it is the color that AIR7 likes.

And it pisses me off that he is so central, and I wonder why it has to be that way and why he makes me cry so easily... he will never change and he will never understand. And I wonder if I am just caught in a rut with all this... and if I should just throw him off altogether and have faith in myself that I can and will find happiness somewhere... But I don't have that faith, an so it is for those false moments that I will let him twist me this way...

Whatever... I am sick of thinking about it already. Maybe I should just go crazy and have fun again... But I promised that I wouldn't... And to do that would be to break so may promises to so many people at once...

And this plane is going to St. Louis and that makes me think of Scheisser. And that dram I had the other day is bothering me because it means that I don't hate him anymore...And how can I not hate him anymore? It is all form that day that I saw him in the street (with his brother)... he surprised me so... And I felt everything exactly as I used to feel it and then went up and had to swallow my patience with AIR7.

I am so sick of all of these games and routines and twisted relationships, but it seems so hard to get out... I just need a clean break... I just need something new...

Flying to New Orleans

And he never called me back last night... I know he did it on purpose... For the same reason he showed up on Friday to throw it in my face and to prove to me again that he has always had control. And I have to forget all about him and let myself have a good time..

I can.

But only in the airport still and all I think of is him...

But here comes GoldenFinch, so I will pause.

Vulnerability

Headed home on the LIRR. Went with B to his swim test today and then to Nacho Mamas. And talked to Dr. G this morning about why I let it happen... With HIM, I mean. Why I even try to rationalize... Do I really need stuff like that, or is that a rationale in itself? And it's because I can't get angry that I get pissed at waitresses, at myself, and always forgive everyone...

************************************

Anyway... Now it's later and I'm sitting here at Salon 76 with the dye on my hair. (I hope she doesn't make it too dark...) And all I keep thinking about is ChoirMan and AIR7 and AIR7 and ChoirMan and how fucked up everything always is... I am so grateful that he's not coming to the concert to morrow though... I don't know if I could stand that anymore... And I have to remember to write down "the room" metaphor later... I think I can do something to tie it to April and her room.

Anyway, I think I might have put some weight on because I feel fat and bloated and gross and my clothes are tight... My face has blown up (from the drinking?). I will have to focus myself... After midterms though.

Oh! I have to check to make sure that those plans with PhysicsGuy are not at the same time as my Indian Music midterm...

I have to get a new stereo system today...

I'm so glad that B is hanging out more lately... I really don't know what I will do without him next year... In a weird way, maybe the way he disappeared had something to do with my relationships otherwise. Although, who knows...

I am really tired... Almost too tired to write anymore... It's a weird thing with E-the-R though... I liked it when I felt less vulnerable... That's the thing... I feel so vulnerable lately... More than before all this began and more than when I was drinking like crazy and really was more vulnerable...