Isolating

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Anyway, I am surviving so far... I have been playing piano all day. It is so hard for me though, to have so much going on and not to be able to talk to my mom or anyone about it when all of it is spinning, spinning, spinning inside. I wonder what that phone call from Dr. G. meant... Does she think that I am even more crazy now and is trying to be nice about it? I don't know...

I am just feeling so suck of routine... I feel like I need some kind of a clean break form everything. But then I wonder if that would just be running away.

I just want to be myself again and read and love it and write music and poetry and feel good and productive and to have everyone that meets me admire me... I think I need that.

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Anyway, later in the day (9:55 PM) and I am skipping out on the night club. BigSis and my mo just got into a fight in front of Aunt N about LilSis' "bad behavior" and my mom ended up crying. I really can't stand it when she cries... It's always a sign to me that things are "really bad."

I asked her about how I was when I was little, though, and she said that I didn't show a lot of anger or aggression and I didn't throw a lot of tantrums, but when I did they were disproportionately insane and I would cry uncontrollably and bang my head in public and stuff... I don't know... Will any of this ever make sense? What Dr. G. said about Olympic ice skating is right though-- you never win without falls along the way and you just have to be able to pick yourself up and brush yourself off...

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I just moved down to the lobby (by the piano). I don't know why I need to be by myself so much... I just don't have the energy to see the show and do that whole thing... I need time for my own thoughts and I'm not even sure where or what they are anymore. The curtains in here are painted in smokey shadows of pink and slashed with light, echoing (although not repeating) the stony tones of the nightscape of winter (sparkling pavements and frozen throats!) My right eye burns and I don't know why...

I keep thinking about that "Cassandra" theme... I am overwhelmed with the urge to create, but am utterly uninspired.Those things really develop when they start from nothing.

I finished that painting project with the wooden planks that Scheisser gave me... It came out really cool... I just have to attach the chains and have my stepfather connect it for me.

"Can a man carry fire in his bosom and his garments and not be burned?" (Proverbs, 6:27)

"The soul unto itself is an Imperial friend or the most agonizing spy an enemy could send." (Emily Dickinson)