I Just Want to Get Better

Well, Wednesday sucks and Thursday was spent in tears, but I have decided that his is done. I was doing all this research on the Internet about Borderline Personality Disorder. It's creepy that I fit almost every symptom. I guess it would explain so much...

Anyway, I was supposed to go home this weekend, but I had to get out of the doctor's appointment because of the slashes on my arm, so I stuck around here. I hung out with Contessa on Friday and had a choir meeting at "Student Activities." Then I did some shipping, rented a movie and cleaned my room...

Saturday I slept most of the afternoon and then went out with some people in my suite for one of their birthdays.

Today I never even got out of bed, except for the fire drill and to pick up my food downstairs. I swear, I slept on and off for the whole day (it is 2:48 AM now and of course, I am wide awake.) But I feel really good... I didn't drink at all, and I think it's a kind of detox. I mean, emotionally I am still drained, but in a different kind of way.

I really feel a renewal coming... and not just because things are so bad and I've hit bottom, but it is just getting better.... it is. I am never going to call Scheisser and I am not going to get drunk (at least until after Thanksgiving). (Well, maybe just a little buzzed...)

I am so tempted to pour all of this out to my mom and I think that is a really good sign because that means my issues are fading int o"history" and are not as pressing and that they will be irrelevant one day and I will be able to tell her.

I just want to get better. I JUST WANT TO GET BETTER. I just want to get better.

I will prove to everyone that I am not dead. I am still as good as I used to be.... and I have redefined myself, and I have escaped the "one I was" and so now if I go back, I am not trapped there... I just can't let myself get trapped here either.

Whatever... I have to wake up in five hours and Ally is coming tomorrow, so I should try to get some sleep.