To Trust or Not to Trust?

So, now I don't know what to think... I was so sure that he was a controlling asshole and now I don't know again... What if he really does care about me and I'm just overreacting? He was really nice at the end and said that now he trusts me and he will be there for me, but he also said that he didn't trust me or respect me before... Which means basically that I meant shit to him at all, without trust or respect. And therefore, that should negate him "caring about me" so much that he had to intervene, meaning that it was all an asshole control thing to do-- like VJ--- holding something that made her vulnerable in his possession and then watching her squirm... so is is an asshole... But maybe an asshole who cares about me...

Whatever. I knew he would convince me that he means well... Fuck. He almost convinced me. And God, I want to trust him and for him to be trustworthy, but I can't! I want to, I want to, I want to, but it is too risky... He is playing with the one part of me that I can't let anyone touch-- the facade. I have to hold this together somehow and trusting him just is not possible.

Hyde-- you hate him, you hate him, you hate him, you hate him, you hate him, YOU HATE HIM!!! And please, please, please, please, please don't forget it! You are safe now (besides figuring out what he said to her) and you can stay that way by staying away from him. You have to convince her that you are more credible than he is. That fucking asshole... Robbing me like this...

Why couldn't he trust me to begin with? Why couldn't he just give one the benefit of the doubt, or did he really value and respect me that little??? And if that is the case, I want to die for ever having been so stupid as to trust him... How many times has he made me cry, and has he made me panic.... And what am I? A toy or game to be laughed at? To amuse him? to give him his fucking high and then be dropped without a second though like he did to Anne and VJ? And I was not even supposed to be his girlfriend, but his friend...

And now I know that AIR7 hates me for doing this to him... And I deserve to be hated because even if Scheisser did this to me, I know that in some way I made him do it to me, and so, if AIR7 is hurt, it is I who hurt him and I hurt Scheisser and I hurt myself and so many other people and so I deserve all of the pain now. I deserve to suffer while he pulls the strings (but I can't handle it!)

And God, if only I could let myself trust him again... If only I had never been such a fucking fool dot trust him in the first place. That is probably my own fault and I should never have trusted him and I should never trust anyone again.

Now he feels better... Now that nothing has changed, but I have suffered and he can show me what he can do to me with just worlds... Oh God, he has won so thoroughly and he knew he would in the beginning... Why did I even bother fighting? All of this was unnecessary... I did not need his help-- and I think he knew it all alone.

(But what if he DOES care and he WAS trying to help and he cares a lot about me?)

Hyde, don't let yourself think that way. Remember that you hate him, you hate him and you have to. You have to hate him to save yourself!

You have to hate him to save yourself!