Crushing Tylenol

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE

Tuesday morning... still in bed at 2:20 PM with One Life to Live and I swell at myself. GoldenFinch and NiS... and I should recognize these cycles by now... of importance and priority... and BigSis played the same game and I want to fade into this desperate frustration. I don't know what the hell I'm getting myself into... but I need something... I need something... show's back on...


-h-

Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god! Have I lost sight of all sense? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing!!!!

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Later... 12:26 AM and in bed, listening to Patsy Cline (I Fall to Pieces). And VJ is in the shower. I acted to GoldenFinch like I would give her the rest of the bag, but I really did the rest and then refilled it with crushed Tylenol. I really don't know why I went through the trouble. (And that look of disgust on Eunie's face when I asked her about the razor last night).

"(I can't believe it's just a burning memory!)"

Oh God, I am so tired and I can't fathom why... I am SO not up for all of the work in these coming two weeks. Tomorrow is the "ear training" final. I hope to God that I do okay. I wish that B would call me back... I really feel like talking to him while VJ is still in the shower...

I am so worried lately, about all of the scars and my tainted blood and what I will do in a few weeks from now when I have to pretend that none of this ever happened, while still living with the marks.

"(I've got these little things, she's got you!)"

I am too tired too tired too tired! Too tired to do anything, too tired to think my way out of this mess! And I don't understand... I don't think anymore at all. It's like i have gotten so tired and so numb that all of the real pain and all of the precision of being inside myself have dissolved and disintegrated.

I lost myself... I have lost myself and am a robot, mixed in this routine of endurance and relief, a great Venetian clown with eyes protruding beneath a striped mask of black and white silk...

I want to go to sleep. But I feel like it's ridiculously early. Maybe I should just go to sleep anyway.

Whatever... I can't think... All of these lies have swallowed me and now they are true... they are true... and I can't believe how far I have gone in this. Especially when I think of how I screamed at BigSis a year ago when she told me that she smoked pot.

Whatever, whatever, whatever... (joey)

I am sooooooooo SOOOOOOOOOOOO tired.

h