I'm not strong enough.

God, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish!!! And I am filled with that same empty fist of impossibility and (guilt?) self-pity. This is all so foolish though... Because I should know by now. I should know I should know and I should stop wanting.

"I do not hope for what I can not have, I do not cling to things that can not be... the more you cling to things, the more you love them, the more the pain you suffer when they're taken from you! If you have no expectations (Captain), you can never have a disappointment!"

But I'm not strong enough, I'm not strong enough, I"m not strong enough, I'm not strong enough! I can't not hope, I'm not strong enough to drink the air and stitch my eyelids... I'm not strong enough to swallow my cigarettes or take away his medallion from my heart... I'm not strong enough to pull the shades down in the hall or uncarve his image from the stone...

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!

And, Oh God-- how can I do this again? How can I let this wasting of myself begin again? How can I make inhuman what is weakest in me... how can I jump off of the Battleship Potemkin? How can I forget about the winter when it is my heart-- the crystal glasses or windows or snow or diamond collars, just because I tell myself that equality is more just? (Or denial reaps more fruit) (Or what's impossible will stay that way.)

And I can't forget him, can't forget him, CAN'T forget him!!!

Oh, God-- but I must... I must... I must...

Anyway, time for choir to go in...

-H