Blood Sisters

God, I haven't written in here in so long... SO MUCH has happened... The coke, the slashes and the gradual descent into such insanity that there is no one left that I can talk to. I can't talk to B about anything anymore. I can tell that it makes him uncomfortable... so I stopped. And GoldenFinch-- the suicide she could handle, but cocaine, she can not. And so, I have closed that door too, even thought I still see her moving, voiceless, behind a pane of glass, imagining (or more realistically, consciously pretending) that it isn't there.

Last Wednesday with KSing made me feel so good and that is what scares me now... We're blood sisters, you know. I cut her wrist and my own (okay, we were both high) and so we are bonded forever. But I woke up shaking and shivering uncontrollably at around 8:00 AM and didn't know what was happening to me... I later heard that shivering like that is a normal effect of a coke crash. Anyway...

There are so many faces around me... so many looks of (sympathy) care and nothing-- NO ONE I can reach. It's a big joke. I see them all there and can't be with them. And KSing knows it. (Beaten, swollen me!)

But God, I'm afraid if I deal with this one on my own I will fuck it up and will scar my life as badly as I have brutalized my arm.

And I want to talk to someone (ChoirMan?) and can't because I am afraid what they will do. (Help me? No.) And I could tell Dr. G, but then I again, I could never. I can't help it, but everyone knows only party of me-- that way I am protected from ever being exposed (loved!). And she doesn't know a character who would talk of such things.

ChoirMan is the only adult I might be able to talk to about this, and I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't tell, but can I trust him to be there? No, Hyde. Don't be stupid! Remember what happened last time, and don't put yourself out.

God, I ache! I think that there is no end to this kind of pain-- this desperate, desperate pain of isolation in a way that doesn't even seem valid on its own.

"Oh, I have a lot of people!" Oh sure-- then why do I feel such dying pain that I must find an escape from such lonely pain-- such indescribable, inexplicable pain, pain, pain that won't ever go away.

Oh--

Anyway, I bumped into PhysicsGuy around midnight tonight when I was having a smoke up at 120th. It was kind of weird, but so clearly indicative. He asked how I was, with a kind of pathetic smile that said "I know you're fucking depressed, and I care, bu tat the same time I don't really want to know."

And so, I turned the question back on him with a look that said "I know you don't have time for a fucking mess on your hands and even though I bleed some more, I will not tell you about me or ask for your help. God forbid, I should inconvenience anyone."

And he looked grateful. That is the problem that I'm bumping into... Sooner or later, they all get their fill of my shit and walk the other way and I am stabbed so hard and so deep and lack to comfort and consolation from those who stabbed me and I am left alone on a train platform in Paris, "in the rain, with a funny look on my face!"

God, I wish "alone" were more bearable. Shit. Dr. G. says it's because I send signals-- I am unapproachable. Btu that's not true. Fuck. Look what happens when I try to give my heart out... It gets stuffed back into my own mouth, pressed between my teeth is the sliding sweet thickness of my own blood.

And I have a headache. And I'm pretty sure it's from all the smoking. It's gotten kind of bad and that I have to stop for my my voice, which I do love and wish on...

Did you now that nicotine, caffeine and cocaine are all the same kind of CNS stimulants?

Whatever... my whole life is shot and nobody cares. I can't even let on to anyone about what an empty shell I am... I am lone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone. And I fucking done with swallowing tears and pain.

-h-


Look at me, No Captain! Look at me. I do not hope for what I can not have. I do not cling to things that can not be. The more you cling to things, the more you love them. The more the pain you suffer when they're taken from you... -PASSION-