He Called Himself "the Rock"

Okay, so back in notorious, glorious April, to the beat of rain and Antonia's harp. As usual, I have been foolish, foolish, FOOLISH! You know that I've never trusted ChoirMan. I couldn't... he isn't stable and I would sink... But he told me, he told me last Wednesday that he is a ROCK. But if he is such a rock, why, when I finally got up the courage to ask him to talk and after promising to call yesterday or today, did he not call? Did he forget? And if he did, he is certainly no rock.

God, now I'm crying over this. This should not have happened... I never would have cried if I never raised my expectations. It is the cruelest joke of all in which I play the fool... today on April Fool's Day.

And our formal is this weekend and I run towards its embrace with the same choke, the jealous ache, the same unreachable pit of anguish and the same glass window shading my eyes. The recipe calls for one bottle of hairspray, one smile and one new personality...

Fuck! Why didn't he call? I am never going to talk to him now because I can't breathe and my ears ring in pained purple and black spots dance before my eyes. I'll just say that I don't remember what I said I wanted to talk about. Maybe I shouldn't go out tonight, as much as I love it.

God, I'm so stupid to believe that any interest in me could be real. Of course he was just saying what he had to say to be polite and deal with a fucking suicidal maniac, but why the hell would he mean any of it? And still I pray for the phone to ring before 7:00 PM. In half an hour I will go walk in the rain.

(Sometimes I wait forever to stand out in the rain so no one sees my crying, trying to wash away the pain.)

Blah... Amac just called and interrupted my train of thought.

Hyde, Hyde, Hyde... have you forgotten who you are? What the hell??? Never forget who you are. Don't be so arrogant to think you deserve this. You could ever extract love from someone not already obligated to you. How dare you? How dareyouhowdareyouhowdareyou?

God, let me stand out in the rain, be swallowed by thunder and die!

I think I'll go try it out now.