Waiting for the Crumble

Okay. So maybe it was a slight overreaction. It is so hot out today, despite my dreams last night and I wonder if tonight is a good idea. Maybe I will throw all of this away and burn it so that I will never have to think about evidence.

And B was right-- such precision is unnatural and unnerving.

I'm on the subway and I have no thoughts on anything. My mind, from exhaustion, has gone, but my throat still really hurts and it's hard to swallow. (96th Street will be next.)

I just want to throw out all of these records and everything from the past. It has all started to fade anyway. Nothing has the strength of feeling that it used to and I wonder if the depression has gone forever, or if it is only momentarily dormant. (The sleeping serpent under the table at the Constitutional Convention).

Thank God that I didn't faint again today. I was sure, for a while, that I would, but I stuck it out.

I haven't spoken to Amac in a while. I wonder if that is good or bad or if I should even be trying to quantify it. Things have been too perfect though... Too good... And I will just sit here patiently and wait for them to crumble...

But in all seriousness, I know how he gets under pressure-- he sucks. And I have no one if it ever comes back. Nobody wants that job and I wonder what will happen to me without it. Oh well... I guess I shouldn't worry about it until the crack. I might as well have fun until then.

Okay. Almost there...

The Bread and Salt

Oh God, I can't believe what I have said and I sit here mixed with dread and fear and God, I don't even remember half of the crap that went on and I am getting sick of nights that pass me in streaks and of this feverish runny nosed burn that always accompanies this class. (It is 9:00 AM.) But at least I got his phone number (the drugs) and it's not all a total loss. (In fact, I'm fucking psyched-- not that I'll ever get the guts to call.)

And I must never forget that all of this is created. (First she created the bread and salt and then she believed in them religiously. Thanks Katerina Ivanovna!)

And Solomon just passed me.

It seems that nobody (no one!) is out this morning and I am wondering whether or not I will be able to look him in the eye.

It is really gray and damp today, but in a beautiful way of death with only the few stray echoes of morning birds. And the later it grows, the more likely it is that he already has passed (I think) but I hate incoherency like this and messed up handwriting and in three more minutes I will make myself go upstairs.

But fuck! I promised that I wouldn't do this anymore. I promised that there would be no more of these mornings. (But God, if it weren't for yesterday, I wouldn't have that number! I'll check it later.)

Okay, he passed brightly and I just want to die. (Lai, Lai they cry!) Okay. I should go up.

*************************

Anyway, so I did go up. And now I'm sitting in class and listening to Mozart and wondering how such a big fucking deal can mean absolutely nothing, nothing, nothing to anyone else.

Now class is about to start...

On Friendship

Now I am waiting at my new voice lesson. I am tired, but remarkably slept about nine hours last night. Then AIR7 woke me up at 3:00 AM to tell me about his dates.

I talked to GoldenFinch on the phone today for a really long time and it was good. It made me feel good that she called me, although it is not the same and never will be. I have changed too much, and yet, I am sure that his is only an in-between and in another few years, there will be a very big change again.

I have been sitting here for 15 minutes already. I wonder how long he intends for me to wait!

I spoke to B this morning too and he pointed out that we would be having our two year anniversary of our friendship at the "New Member Welcome." I'm glad that he remembered it. But then, when I said I wondered if we'd be friends in ten million years, he said "no." He said he moves around a lot and is a bad correspondent. What the hell? I mean-- why admit defeat now? Am I the only one who believes in such absolute friendships that they are all giving and eternal? I mean, Amac seems to agree with me, but it's different.

Anyway, they said that my lesson will start in another few moments. At least this year doesn't seem as heavy. Shanah Tovah! Right?

I'm going home tonight.

Oh-- I'm up!

Alma Mater Twilight

It is so beautiful out tonight. The breeze runs up and down my back like an icy finger, but still with the warm mint of summer. Whispers of mystery float lightly in my ear and I imagine the slick oils on the wings of that bird. It cuts the sky in sharp spurts of life and I fled a sparrow.

The lawn is decorated with the rainbow of a carnival, although they still haven't replaced my light. I don't care now, though. All I see is him, him, him and nothing else can effect me. Not even the aching pulse in my thumb or the spokes running up and down my arms and into my cheeks, under my skin.

Darkness is falling the landscape now, mercifully collapsing the world into slumber (and Violetta shrieks in protest).

Two clashing stars sweep across the sky, paying homage to Dagny Taggart and Henry Rearden and I wonder if they're all that wrong.

It's weird-- not being buried. I hardly know what it is to breathe, but I am realizing that it is not the cool, sweet taste of the sky on your lips, but rather the lack of suffocation that distinguishes it.

But only I know the truth and when I think of it, it makes me uneasy and i wonder if it is better or worse. Will it all be falsified? (Oh God! The brightness!) Can the universe really exist in a person? In the opera, they're always singing "il mio universo e in te." Maybe that's why people stop seeking and why it makes no sense to me.

Maybe they all really are asking for the universe. Maybe they've just found it.

Oh God... now my entire left leg is tingling uncontrollably and I am hardly aware of how to help it.

Oh well... I'll try to read.

Vodka Shots with Scheisser

She clicked the cold neck of the bottle back and forth between her teeth, admiring the sound it made and fearing, with wonder, that it would chip them. The heat slid down her throat in waves, settling, spreading, and finally burning inside of her.

Ten thousand staring eyes burst into flames around her, reminding her of the pools o flight in Petersburg, flashing with laughter and gently causing the glass to rock back and forth, rolling softly on her tongue.

In streams of color, she allowed her hand to slide down his leg. Rushed by the urgency of gravity, it awkwardly met the wooden floor. Slapped and reddened, her palm stung in ripples of laughter. Everything seemed to be in ribbons, she thought. And she could feel so me ancient nationalist wind playing with her hair, sounding like a flute and lighting his eyes brightly, like canons.

She pulled herself up on tho him, spilling herself into his smile that silently tugged at her. Her own voice echoed cavernously, unreachable, becoming the magnificent mixed voice of the crowd, as she stepped proudly onto the palace balcony, tossing petals carelessly to the swarming beetles below. But it was his voice that filled her, breaking the empty tin of her inaudible cry. And his tone was half amused, falling from his lips onto hers.

Soft pockets of air spun and floated under her eyes and spiraled through her head. Her cheeks brushed against the strictness of the cloth and she thought of the miners and their dreams, and she loved the way that it scraped her. She imagined their wrinkled hands sifting through icy streams, and 400 gold columns in her castle.

And then the vision was gone and her laughter bubbled up again, muffled and drowned in the inevitable sinking of her head which her neck was not strong enough to hold. This collapse into the folds delighted her, though, because the world disappeared-- vanished into the merriment of courtly velvet dances and she could taste the sea and floated on waves of freedom, lost where others had drowned and staring straight into the heavens.

A Crush

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love and once again it is this sweet, sweet pain that feels like it never left and all I see is him and all I think is him and this wrenching nausea brings such a smile that I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. But I know how impossible this whole thing is and I wonder (wistfully) why it wasn't met to begin with. It could have been...

Oh God, this is too much. I don't want it, but I'm floating on the blessing.

Here's to Life!

Two days that have passed too quickly to realize. I'm at AIR7's "New World Symphony" and I really, really, really feel it again. And it hasn't been this way in so long. And I know that it is no good.

Anyway, I feel like shit today, but yesterday was great, so... here's to life!