End of Summer Celebrations

So, thank God... I finished my comps and I think I did fine. I'm sitting in class @ (the school where I teach)... It's the first day of teaching and I already let everyone go. I think I talk way too fast. Anyway, I think I should stay here another few minutes in case there are some stragglers. Then I have to dash to Duane Reade to get my "emergency contraception." I hope it doesn't make me puke.

Anyway, this past week was totally dramatic. Tuesday after my exam, I bumped into Druggie at Duane Reade (Actually, he saw me going in there and came back to "buy cigarettes.") Anyway, he asked if I wanted to go smoke with him up on the roof. His brother was up there smoking weed. It was kind of weird, but kind of nice. I don't know what he thought went down between us a few weeks ago, but he kept on calling me "hon" or "honey." It was so not justified.

Anyway, we went down to my place and put on the Beloved DVD he had left under my door. I totally didn't know that was from him. So, I asked him "why didn't you leave me a note?"

"What? A love note?" he said.

SO WEIRD!!!

Anyway, I told him that I had no coke and so he asked if he could have a drink. I told him only if he didn't get drunk. I mean, the last time we hung out he was okay, but maybe he wasn't and I was just too messed up to notice.

Anyway, VJ kept calling me and eventually just showed up an my building. At first I was totally annoyed, but later relieved that I didn't have to be alone with Druggie. He cracked open a Unisom and drank the gel on the inside and ended up puking. I don't know how anyone can be so into sedatives. Anyway, I had to clean up the puke. It was a rather strange night.

On Wednesday, after tutoring, I went to MusicMngr's house with IronChef. It was really fun. After, I went to Cheers and some totally drunk Scottish guy (merchant marine) was spouting all of this pro-Bush shit and asking me what my breasts feel like, etc. IrishBird cut him off and I wouldn't go with him, so eventually he just left. I was also to talking to T-- such a sweet guy (his dad is friends with PumpedUp's dad) and then to that D.J. who has a crush on IrishBird and then to the Bulgarian guy. He ended up taking me home and I did coke and we made out all night until he started acting sexist and racist and I got grossed out and I wanted him to leave.

On Thursday... God, I don't even remember that day at all. Oh yeah-- I got my hair done and then NiS and his girlfriend came over and we watched King Creole. I think I just crashed that night because I hadn't even slept one hour the night before.

Friday night was Jake's party. This, I am so embarrassed about. Afterwards we all were headed home, but his friend Alex came up with me to Cheers. Then we went up to my roof and I did coke and kept telling him to kiss me (which he did). But Narc called me (because I had called him) and so I ditched Alex at 4:00 am and went downtown.

When I got to the bar, Narc was ignoring me, so this guy at the end of the bar was talking to me and telling me to go home with him. Then Narc started paying more attention. I confronted him in the street about why he never asks me out on dates and he said "because he's been really hurt before and he really likes me." (I'm not sure whether or not to believe him...)

Regardless, we were kissing in the street and when we got home and had sex, I let him go down on me, which I wish I hadn't done because I still don't feel comfortable with it and I hope he doesn't assume he can do it every time now...

I don't even know when we got to bed, but I missed my train to Long Island the next day. I stayed at his place until 6:00 PM (and had sex a few more times) and then we both had to go-- me to my study group party and him to some art gallery thing with his friend M. Right before we left, he masturbated and came all over me "one last time," as he put it.

Anyway, the study group thing was at Sara's house. I had such a good time. It is soooo nice to be friends with other smart history-obsessed people. We must have drunk about six bottles of wine. Then Hammer, Bezoukhoff, EF and I went back to my place for some pizza and more booze.

I think I embarrassed myself and disclosed way too much about my sex life (and mistakenly left out my mirror and razor-- oh God!). But, whatever... With enough time and if I am smart in class, it will erase it all.

Then I went back to meet Narc (at around 3:30 am) and we met at a bar downtown and I bought him drinks and it was weird-- much less of a connection than the night before. I think he's really insecure. He was telling me that women like men "on stage" and that's why girls get crushes on their teachers. He said that my professors aren't the "brilliant ones," but that he's the "brilliant one" and that he is going to be the next Nietzsche or Jung. ..

We went home and had sex in the shower. We had anal sex for the millionth time that weekend and it started to hurt. I passed out either from the sex or the drinking, but I don't remember going to bed.

The next day I left early-- well, around 1:00 pm, but right when I woke up. I went up and met B where he teaches. I finished my syllabus and we went to eat at Krystal's in Jackson Heights.

Today I'm back in school-- it's the end of this insane summer. I'm rediscovering my productive self and trying to move on.

(So why am I forever wondering when Narc will call me again???)

The Writtens

My head is spinning from studying. I feel like if I had just one more week I would really have a good grasp on everything and I feel so guilty for fucking up earlier this summer. Plus, Narc has totally been blowing me off all week and it's making me depressed because I blew off my summer to spend my time with people like him...

Right now I'm at Balucchi's, somewhere on First Avenue. Just came from cat-sitting Babe who is totally adorable. I have to finish all my book reviews and all my index cards tonight even if I have to stay up really late to do it. And tomorrow I'll just drill my flash cards over and over. I'm not worried about figuring out my essay themes in advance because that part always comes really naturally to me. I just need to make sure I have the authors and arguments at my fingertips.

Tomorrow I should go to school and find the room in advance and double check my password.

I feel so down right now. I mean, I know it's probably just from hunger, but sometimes it's hard to distinguish that from depression. I am really hungry.

PS: Went to Narc's last night.

Resolutions

At the Comfort Diner. It's a quarter to one. Last night I went to the Ute Lemper concert with B-- the one Narc wouldn't go with me to.

B is most likely going to break up with J. I'm glad because I think she's bad for him...

Anyway, the comps are around the corner and I don't have enough time left. I'm just going to have to cram like crazy and count on my good memory. I'm not quite sure how to best spend my time though. I can't imagine failing, but with a test this big I also can't imagine passing, given how I've been behaving all summer...

I wonder when Nipkins is getting back from San Diego.

Anyway, my medication is making me nauseous today, but OI know that with the way I've been eating, I've put on a few pounds.

I might try to see if there's somewhere else I can take German-- on a Tuesday or Thursday afternoon.

I don't know why I felt so bad yesterday about this whole Narc thing. I feel like since I don't love him it will only take a few days to forget him-- but it will have to be a few days of really being with myself. Once school starts, I'm going to forget everything about this summer...

I'm going to be totally back on track and do things right this time.

Summer Fling

Things are so strange... I feel like I don't remember the last time I wrote.

I had coffee with Hammer today after our study group's meeting with ProfFascism and she told me that ProfPP is getting a divorce. Weird, right?

Anyway, I called Narc this morning and left a message on his machine asking him to go to the concert and told him to call me back today. He never called me back, so I just called him again (around 12:30) and he said that he has writing to do , so he has to "blow me off" because he's blowing off "all of his friends."

Well, I'm sure not all of his friends are "blowing" him, and for the first time, I'm starting to feel bad about this thing.

A week and a half ago (the day I went over there naked under my trench coat) and stayed over, I asked him why we don't do anything besides have sex.

"Well, wouldn't that mean we're in a relationship, then?" he said.

"Well, no. But, can't we just be friends?" I asked.

I mean, he called us "fuck buddies," but I told him that we're NOT "buddies." He told me that he doesn't want to fall in love with me.

The next day, I left (I had plans with B) and the day after that, Anxious, GoldenFinch and Contessa came over. Anxious and Buke broke up that same Friday. (The girls were here on Saturday). We got smashed together-- at least I did. I also smoked some weed. Then, later everyone wanted to go home (at around 2:00 am) but I still wanted to be out. I went to Cheers alone and ended up bringing some guy home. (All I remember about him was that I think he's from Ecuador.) I didn't sleep with him or anything. We tried to make out on the roof, but I kept falling down. The girls were really mad at me.

Tuesday I did coke all day again, even though I had promised to stop. I went to my study group in my pajamas totally crashing from an 8 hour high. I told them that it was my tonsillitis. They were all really concerned. (Especially EF!) They said that I looked like I was at death's door. By the end of that meeting, I really felt like I was!

Anyway, I sower that was the end, but ended up doing even more coke on Friday and coming down with I met B to go see Collateral. I told him it was my medication because I felt too embarrassed and guilty and ashamed to say I was high. I never lie to him, so I was sure he'd be able to see through it... Maybe he did, but he didn't say so.

It was raining that afternoon and B and I got into a fight while waiting for a table at the Gemini Diner. (See? Not much changes!)

Anyway, after that I had to go home and change for English's dressy "girl's night" party. I wore the chiffon beaded dress that I bought for my grandma's unveiling. After a little while at her place, we went to the bar at the Gramercy Hotel (me, BigSis, English, RGrub and his girlfriend). It was fun. I felt pretty. Afterwards, I didn't want to go home (already at that level of drunk!) so, I went to Cheers by myself. I bumped into JFig there... weird, right? She was with other friends though, so eventually she left with them.

After that, I called Narc. It must have been around 4:00 AM. He told me to come over, so I did. I brought some coke and a bottle of Jack with me and wore my beautiful dress. We had really good sex that night, finally falling asleep at around 9:00 AM.

The next day I woke up at around 1:00 PM and did some work, waiting for him to wake up. It seemed as if he never would, so around 3:30 or 4:00 PM, I packed my stuff to leave. He finally rolled out of bed to walk me to the door and started making out with me. So... I agreed to stay. We had sex again and I stayed to order dinner (Thai food). Then we watched some TV (Bill Mahr) and decided to go for a walk.

It was raining out, so we had to go back upstairs for umbrellas. We walked over to the water at Battery Park. The water was as black as ink and it looked like the water in the opening scene of The Little Mermaid.

Once back home, I fell asleep in his lap while watching Mrs. Doubtfire. The next day I had to leave to meet Contessa for lunch.

I felt so close to him that weekend. It's like I finally let my defenses collapse and took comfort in being near him. I know he sensed the shift. All of a sudden, I've lost my power. So, I thought maybe something was starting... I even felt safe for a little while... He made me feel safe! I thought he was maybe just scared to take things the next step. So, I asked him to the Ute Lemper concert. And not only did he not call me back all day, but when I finally did talk to him, he told me "no." And so once again, I feel the first pang on my heart. Why does everything always end up like this? No matter how hard I try to protect myself... no matter how tough I am... whenever I start to let my guard down, the pain flows in.

On top of that, there's B. B wants to break up with J tomorrow. I wonder if he actually will. He keeps calling me for reassurance, being needy and saying how "bad" he is and I am starting to feel resentful. He didn't want to hear it when I had the coke problem two weeks ago, and now he's coming to me. Who will ever be there to catch me when I fall? I feel so unsafe and so vulnerable. I want to call the drug-dealer back so badly, but know I have to wait until after my exam.

God... why couldn't Narc have said "yes" to tomorrow? He said he'd call me in a little while (as in when he feels like it) and once again, I find myself in a relationship completely on someone else's terms... I think I need to end this thing here, but somehow after this weekend, it already seems hard...

PS: I saw that I never wrote about my last night with the Stallion (August 1, 2004). It was SO fucking amazing... I passed out on the kitchen counter... the now infamous flashlight... and all the coke. I have the bruises though. He lied so many times about why he wasn't home and risked his relationship to stay the night with me. I want him back to fuck me again.

The Cokehead

Anyway, I didn't have time to even do or say anything about the Stallion's passing... or that other amazing night. All I know is that somehow I got addicted to coke and yet somehow (again!) I end up letting myself get fucked and lied to.

I don't know how all of this is going to eventually turn out. All I know is that I hate myself. I forget myself all the time and more than anything, I want some more coke!!!


Thursday, 6:30-- Cafe Shasha, Hudson & Christopher, just north of christopher

From the Stallion

There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands

You seek problems because you need their gifts